I’m busy with final, eid and I'm bit sick,
(if i didnt write,i might forget everythg wif my short term memory..*urg*)
Well, I think I get it now,I'm always sick when I'm distress
Not like I didn’t get distress before
But well,I got distress a whole lot often recently
Er,let just say,I can b ol hepy n ol down just like that
Cool I must say..
I never noe I can get involve with sumthg like this..LOL
well,1st entry: eid holiday
15hb nov night
da last time i check,i cant b alone by myself or i start doing stupid things
it happen last year n it happen again
2nite is da 2nd nyte im alone
as my roommate shana went home for eid holiday
me n noh, let see..we got sum argument before
ya,gt it there,last old forgotten post
n i was very down..thanx god it was holiday,
i cant focus wif anything in that kind of situation
so,i cut me own hair..make it short..but left the front hair long
weird style i noe but i like it long actualy
it juz i promise not to cut myself again n really wanna cut sumthg
i can ALWAYS bruise aside everythg personal or trouble when it come to study
yet i learn sumthg new that life had offer
you cant really seperate between work and personal
i was like a mess that night..
i was crying again
that seems like sumthg i do often recently.. =_="
my mum always hate it when im crying
thats why i cant go home,not just yet
not wanting me mum seeing me look suck
i need to resolve my feeling..
i turn on the music and kol me bro
n talking to bro isnt helping at all
risk is being such a *urg*
i talk to him often,though not telling him everythg
i juz give him the surface n he's been supportive in his way
but that night,he start yelling at me
which i dont expect at all
we start shouting at each other then i told him dt
he's not helping at all if he's only gonna yell stuff at me n i hung up
i was crying again,2times heart broken in a row
thats sumthg i cant handle at dt tym
stupid bro!!
i really wanna kol jie dt tym,
but couldnt bring myself to told her sumthg as hurt as this one
i must say myself,wt a very selfish girl i am..
so,i ask jessen if he was available dt night,
n i ask him for dinner
he said he gt sumthg like gonna catch some lizard o sumthg
then later he'll acompany me..
great,i got dump n i lose to a monitor lizard..
well,not realy got dump..
noh didnt really said sumthg bout dumping me..not jz yet..huhu T_T
then elli went to me room
telling me her story bout her n adill
adill caught her going out social drinking wif frens
n i bet she was drunk when she pick up the phone
cause she didnt really rmmba wt hpn..
n 2 b worse,there was a specific guy with her
that make adill kind of jelez n mad,feel cheated n such
well,she did lie to adill so i guess its her fault
but when adill start calling her names,
thats when i got mad
i've been fren wif elli for more than 2 years for now
n i noe what kind of girl she is
though she didnt look like it,she's a faithful christ
em..most of da time..i guess..gomen!! XD
its not that i have sumthg toward atheis but i need my God in life
n i believe everyone need a religion o belief 4 us 2 b on a right track
though im not a pious person..uhuk2 *cough*
n my atheis friends are rather very kind n im fond of them
they dont just go like,there's no God or sumthg..
they ask politely and listen when we explain
well then,
after elli has nearly come to an end for her story,im bursting in tears
not a very good timing indeed as we both cry..
er,as im broken 2times dt night,im more emotional than ever..
i feel sory at elli,mad at both of them,
thinking of my own prob,feeling so stupid,it juz all gt mixed up
adill told her that if she want to continue their realtionship,
she cant see any other guy
the hell..i said no,you cant agree to that
elli said she's ok wif that if adill promise to talk to her parents
saying that he'll take her as his bride
as adill already told his parents to buy a condo (or is it banglo) for them
i told elli to think hard bout that as
elli's a christ and adill,is indeed a muslim
she'll need to convert to be marry
though i think we can have cross religion marry with muslim now
which i hardly agree with
a very stupid law for me
well im not the one who should say anything here
n they said,convert muslim means convert to malay,
another stupid belief
as if i remember it correct i thought malays r originally hindu refering to history
(and im bad at history n pgetahuan am =P)
n how come now we have malay christ if convert muslim means convert to malay??
it just in perlembagaan,malay means muslim,practic malay thing n *sumthg i dun rmmbr*
n voila,ur a malay..guess thats how,my family bcome malay..
me mum said,during that time,late great granpa need to hide from japanese,
n he start act like a malay, being with malay a lot n as he's already a muslim..
later then,he become malay muslim..no more chinese
we didnt even have that chinese name in us..a bit sad i must say
n my mum not interest a bit in the gathering they did
even when she's a very good fren with some of the members
n my fren always ask me each year if im coming..
i would like to meet my other family members,
listen to their stories about late great granpa and companions..
i still remember,when i was young,i can understand mandarin or is it hokkein or cantonese..
which i barely rmmba now..another sad story T_T
mum said it because late great grandpa use to talk to me a lot when i was babies,
we only have a pic of late great granpa,smiling while holding me..
i feel touch each tym i look at dt pic..
back to our story..
we talk3 and me told elli me story
i dun even noe if im rambling too much at that tym
didnt even care bout elli's emotion wave that was flying to me
think i can even hear her inner voice if im listen carefully..
maybe i would if im not in that kind of condition
i look so miserable..
if i can see my self at that time,i wouldnt possibly believe that it was me
no more sarah(princess/happiness) and
totally not seven(not how our family act) at all +_+
feelin so stupid and down to the bottom of the earth..
'cept,im not really dead
elli told me mybe im moving to fast
guess so..im too afraid dt thing 2 years ago 2 b happen again
i seriously not ready if it happen again
im soo stupid after 2 years,y cant i just 4gt it n move on??
how can i,if each tym i heard his voice,each tym i c him,
i fall in love all over again
blame me..i always ask myself,y cant i jz b blind..
n live in me own world like that,i wont b hurt like this..
who possibbly create that crap saying if you love sum1,u need 2 let go
im totally not buying that stupid crap..
im being mental again am i??
stupid..
stupid girl
i should have should have known
i should have should have known
that im not a princess
this aint a fairy tale
im not the one
you'll sweep off her feet
lead her up the stairwell
this aint holywood
this is a small town
i was a dreamer
before you went n let me down
_white horse by taylor swift
(again)
then elli told me she's going 4 late dinner wif her fren n invite me
i said i should go out wif jessen
ask her to kol jessen as i dont think i can talk without jessen asking me much wif dt condition
i usually recover fast but..well..life has soo much to offer
n da best part is when ur down..
its da best teacher of all time,just for you to be strong next tym
i still have so much to learn from living
as i always palying game,live is so exciting when u cant reset or play again
we can just go on..move along..or die..if you're brave enough
jessen is still wif his lizard catching then i told elli
that im not eating,well,no one gonna ask anyway,n i lost my apetite
so i better off to sleep..
its 11 sumthg at that time..
i bide elli nyte and told her 2 t8 cre of herself
she told me,im gonna kill myself if im satying alone n suggest me 2 go home 2mrw..
i said mybe i'll do dt,saying thanx and lock da door..
turn up da volume of my music..
and went to shana's bed to sleep..
i dun think i can sleep on my bed that easily after wt hpn..
feels like wanna sleep wif da moon n stars
jessen kol me again minutes after that said he can stop he's work
and acompany me 1st..no hell way im going to agree wif dt
he should settle his job 1st..
im selfish but im not dt selfish..
i told him that its ok n i already lost my apetite
he said sory few times till i got mad
nearly 12,jessen kol me,said he's done wif dt lizard things n
ask me if i wanna join him n mates..
said i wanna sleep..
he ask if there's sumthg i wanna tell him..
i tease him..saying is that is it only if i have trouble we can have dinner together..
he said sory..again!!
actually we went through this once..we were having dinner n he ask me if i hv a prob
i said im doing okay..nothing down n i ask him wt da sudden
he said he read my fb n thought i gt a prob
i gt mad.."dz dinner is jz bcz i hv prob,then when i dont hv prob,i cant eat wif u??is dt wt u said??"
he said sory it jz bcz its so hard 2 ask me 4 dinner recently..
well,mybe true..i give him so many excuse recently
n i unproposely broke promise 2 times.. *ouchie* dt really not me..huhu -_-
n dt i accept dt dinner was bcz dira said
i should make up the broken promise n it jz a fren dinner..
well,i went dt night after i make sure dira gonna have her dinner even without me
sheez..that girl..if im not accompany her,sumtym she didnt eat at all..
n she's small..adoi
well,as jessen was asking,
i told everythg ok..jz gt into a litel fight wif my bro
there's no way im gonna tell jessen bout my prob wif noh
i wan to talk wif him so dt i can 4gt noh 4 a while xtually
well,jessen did noe sum bout noh,being da reason y i havent couple till now
jz a stupid old reason..hm,i seems like this "stupid" word much
but i realy anti "bodoh","bangang",wt eva b-word in malay,it sounds degraded..n stupid XD
we just talk 4 about 10 to 15 minutes..
not much on me..just asking bout dt lizard thing n his project n stupid stuff
n i was wondering by myself,y cant i talk 2 noh as im talking 2 jessen
it should be a lot easier talking wif a fren..
i told jessen to hung up as didnt want him 2 waste his credit..
of cz he said he didnt mind,but i didnt wan his fren waiting
so i told him to say helo to PJ n her fren n his other team dt i didnt noe
i can hear PJ calling me name from back there..haha
i feel a bit ok after talking 2 jessen but..
as soon as i hung up,m8 me rmmba of noh again so i decided to switch the song,
listen to sumthg dt isnt emo such raihan..insaf la skjp konon ny
i drink plenty of water,look at the moon for the last time,
talk to kuma-kun n turn myself off..
kuma-kun is a gift from jie..my 1st teddy bear ever..suke~ (^_^)
pretty headache i got dt night..
my bro said sorry and promise to do sumthg bout my mum
as she promise to pick me up a 8am which im not even sure if
im already stable at that time!!
but make me promise to be civil at home..
uh oh..im always a gud gal at home..
well,mybe not..a very much silent one i guess..
but i though i change..a bit..making coversation n such..a bit..huhu
u gt da idea..i only talk much wif my dear bro,risk..
if n only if..he's being civil wif me..*cough*
which he did..most of da tym..saying its his responsible..owkaaayyyy @_@
ps: jessen once told me,im start using ol english when im depress or in trouble..high5 2 jessen (-_-)(")
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