hang out with friends

hang out with zyda

how long has it been??

2 years i guess..or is it more..i think it is..

i always have the anxious feeling if im going to meet a person outside

be it a boy or a girl

i rarely went out with my friend so i guess it figures

its ok for me if we're going out together

but when meeting a person at a promise place, it is a whole different story

after high school graduation,michi ask me for a date

that is the first time i ever going out with a friend

and she pick me up at home..sweet~ ^3^

i barely can sleep at night as i dont know what to wear..LOL XD

me and zyda promise to meet at 10am

er..actually i want it at 10..

not too early please =P

both of us miss the place actually

both waiting at different place..thanks god we have our cellphone

then we went shopping for my stuff a bit

went to eat at KFC and talk talk talk

i think we sit there more than 2 hours only talking and eating

uh oh..and my legs really hurt when i was walking later

sitting to long i guess.. XD

then zyda got into my car and we went shopping for some clothes

window shopping in few stores and we went to kyra michi house

(there's only mini skirt and long skirt..nothing like the one i want +_+)

kyra love to cook and we ate with her and more talking talking talking

it turn late in the evening so i went home..wanna be home before 6pm

left zyda at kyra's house =D

we promise to hang out again

shopping of course..

i love shopping

but they said they dont have enough money..

so..window shopping anyone?? me!! \(^o^)/

and something terrible..

when i was going to fill the petrol,i cant use my card!!

i need to use cash T_T

i forgot bout it already actually..

i'll check tomorrow..

cause the day after tomorrow,im going hang out my friends again =)

hang out with old friend is different from hang out with my friend from campus

it makes me soo nervous

because we rarely hang out is it?? even though we somewhat close..hm..

today is the first time i meet zyda outside of the school..c0oL XP 

er,i cant believe zyda's dressing..

white and green..she dragged too much attention 

controversy that she is today XD 

ps: zyda said im getting bigger and she asked my weight T_T

ps2: i thought the sale for xmas isnt over yet..so its year end sale..ok =P

 

The Day of Revolution..nice story ^^

rude to call

most people didnt like it if you call them at inappropriate time

especially of no reason at all

as for me..not early than 8am and not late than 10pm

and i dont like to pick up call between 7pm till 8pm..

i always told my friend that i hate late call and very early morning call

once i shouted at my friend as he call me at 12am

he like to call me at 12..i dont know why..

i know he call me of something about study

and consider important to him

but i would careless if im going to sleep

i rarely sleep late than 12am or sometimes a lot earlier at 9 pm something..
theehee =P

then after being scold by me,he usually call me 10 minutes before 12am

weird fella..he's an owl i guess

but of course there's exeption

for family or very close friend

for family,i put 24/7 

and close friend,they know me so they didnt bother me that much =P 

i can still pick up phone at 3am if it was elli or kyra michi or jie or aisha

if and only if i didnt sleep yet XD

jadi kalau nak telefon, hanya antara 8 pagi hingga 10 malam
orang melayu lagi kena lebih hati2
jangan telefon time orang nak azan atau tengah azan
lagi lah,kalau telefon 2,3 kali dia tak angkat,mungkin dia sibuk
jadi hantar mesej je lah..minta telefon balik
sama lah macam nak pergi rumah orang
orang tak datang time magrib..tak tau adab nama nya..ok?? =)

happy happy

i was so happy that i cant help but to 'type'

(i really wanna use 'write' here..it give more feeling =P)

it seriously is something stupid..

my bro,risk has been away for 3 days..

but its holiday now so i feel lonely..

only 3 days yet i miss him a lot..

i dont know what went wrong with my head..

anyway..he just got home this morning..

i cant really say it to him that i miss him straight to the face

he'll mocking me non stop..

so i just sit next to him and watch the tv 

but it feel awkward as i dont know what to say to him 

so i went to my room

later he came..

saying he want to see what i was up to

"comic online.."

he wanna read it with me

i made a face at him 

like 'dont you have something else to do'

and i told him to get out

he's saying something like 

"im the eldest bro and you the eldest sis,so we should be close with each other" crap

and i was like..what's wrong with you??

but i think he feel it too..the awkward feeling.. *evil laugh*

he didnt wanna get out and start acting stupid..

"get out already.."

i pull his hair and we start tackling on my bed

(no stupid image ok!!!)

i kick his stomach with my knee and we keep struggling with each other 

man,his grip..its been long since he grip me that i forgot

it really hurt..talk about man strenght..duh =_="

i was about to bite his finger when i cant stand the pain

then he lose his grip

of course i was going to bite really hard him if he didnt lose his grip

kick him by knee again but he made soo much noise that my granma told me to lower my voice

"bukan saya lah..risk!!"

then he shut big mouth of his..

later,i saw an opening,kick him hard till off bed and told him off

he's saying stupid stuff with a fake sad face

and run away with a wick grin..i manage to smack him at back though

n thats what make me really happy..

wrestling with my bro..

told u its a stupid reason,that it is LOL XD

 

its been long since i did that

wrestling with my brother

(its a way of showing your love they say)

but he actually let me win on purpose right?

he usually did that =)

i love risk..sometimes =P

he's da least person i feel awkward with in my family 

that make me can tell him almost everything

and he notice it too

maybe thats why he spoil me too much sometimes

he once told me that mum told him to take a good care of me 

as he's da only person i open up with in our family

that time mum caught us talking by phone very late at night

i was telling him my worries..

(its rude to call someone at night if you're not close with that person!

and my mum dont like it most..me too i guess) 

he sometimes is rude and very ego

and he's an annoying brother for being over protective

but that side of him also make me feel warm

(the kind of feeling hafiz give me when i was near to him

though sometimes he make me feel like im going to have stomachache 0_o

weird feeling XD)

risk,he always act tough in front on us,family..

sometime i told him that he should take a break now and then

ps: i think risk has a split personality..at a time he's very kind with me n at a time he act like he hate me..risk can be a jerk..but i still love him nevertheless XD 

ps2: i wonder what is hafiz doing now n i wanna noe about that girl he like..n jie..i wanna talk 2 her but didnt noe how to..n there's zyda..asking for a date..

ps3: i was so happy that i laugh like i never laugh in a long time (3 days is long you know XD) oh,n i feel like flying..da same feeling also with hafiz..does boy owayz send girl flying??never feel that way with my other fren though..o well..

Please,don't tell me that..

i think i need to stop..

now i understand what my bro told me..

i really am a coward but i want to return to my world

a place i feel belong..

i dont think i'm ready to walk again until march

i tried not to think about it..but oh God,its really scary

i'm sorry jie,i'm not that strong

i already told my mum as you advise me to
and i told kyra too..

elli and dira-neesan had already know bout it

i dunno wat mizuki and jessen reaction if i told them

the less the better i think..

and i dont have the heart to tell hafiz that..

i just cant..

he'll know eventually but not from me

i dont need pity..and its ok for him no to love me back..

at least he didnt lie to me..

march next year..

i need to finish my final project..

i'll finish my study on april and go for industrial training

i'll grad in july if everything is right..if not

i'll leave everything to you dear God..

for you know what best for me...ameen..

i have a dream last nite,i got marry to a cute girl

as mum said something happen with my body and im now a boy

and my family didnt want da media 2 find out

n there's only one thing in my head,

how am i going to tell hafiz that im turning into a boy?? XD

at the door,inside the house,during shopping..

he's hunting me in my dream XP

that girl is so innocent,she was force to marry me with sum amount for her family

of course i only treat her like a little sister,

apart from im being confuse with myself turning into a boy,

(this gotta be a dream..LOL)

i always want to have a spoil little sister

aisha my sis..she just cant fit into the image

we were about to adopt a daughter when i woke up

this dream is just like my "childhood dream"

i always want to be a man like my dad

and after dad left,i wish to adopt as much homeless kid as i can

as i grow up,i start loving myself and accept me for being me

and i still want to adopt at least a child =)

to give the child as much love as my dad gave me (^o^)v

Gwen Stefani: Don’t Speak

You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are...
You and me I can see us dying...are we?

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't tell me cause it hurts!
I know what you're saying
So please stop explaining

Don't speak,
Don't speak,
Don't speak,
Oh I know what you're thinking
And I don't need your reasons
I know you're good,
I know you're good,
I know you're real good
Oh, la la la la la la La la la la la la
Don't, Don't, uh-huh Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush
Don't tell me tell me cause it hurts
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush don't tell me tell me cause it hurts

im thinking (wow..i did that =P)

i meet kyra michi the other day

and i've been thinking a lot..i did..

she's the first person who really told me to break up wif hafiz last 2 years

it seems that a lot of things happen 

after she's  gone to aukland

and im still thinking

ya,im a selfish person

but i guess its true..

i have to let hafiz go sooner or later

i hope he can find a cute gf for himself

im no good for him and i think he deserve a happy life

me too..want to be happy

i'm going to treat him as a friend from now on

um..i'll try

i actually smile warmly at his photo rather than the longing

so i take it as a good start

there's still a lot of things i wanna do in life

and sometime i got scared

but i think what i want most is the feeling of close to god...

i miss the feeling...

if it was only for my stupid mind 

i would want to quit everything

and return to my own world

but i dont want to live that life again

i had enough and i dont think mum, dad, risk, my family

wanna see me like that

im going to do my best to feel living

i actually feel like im gonna adopt a baby now XD

but i dont want the child to miss me if something ever to happen to me..

gomen neh joe-kun...

i did it again i guess..

daijobu..god is always with u =)

my love,i pray u to always be happy

introvert or extrovert??

hari ni,g "makan pulut"

i dun really understand why did they use that phrase

i only see rice there..o well..

when i said "diri" dan "bayang"

i dont know which one is the real me..

i dont like it to be surround by others

i really dont like it 

but i seems greeting everyone that i know

shana's friends,once told her that i look like living in me own world..

i guess..

er,with my headphone and dressing,who dont think that (^o^)

as my roomate in my 1st year,chah once told me that

she was very afraid of me at 1st as there seems like something surround me that she cant approach me

but when i help her during our mount-climbing,

she grew attach to me

she's a nice girl,spoil i would say

as she's an only child..

well,maybe im a nice girl inside,it just me not notice because 

of this so much barrier i put for myself

well,what can i say bout myself,at least i know manners =)

er,what i was bout to say bout "makan pulut" td is..

i dont really have appetite nowadays..

since november i gues..

why oh why?? me dunno XD

i only eat as tak nak pengsan

and i have gastric +_+

i only eat some..more like food tasting if u ask me..LOL

and as im at home right know,few people are going to know me door and windows if me not eating..

i have a warm family actually..

maybe it just me who didnt notice it.. T_T

and i dont really know them at the feast

i think i know people better at kelantan compare to here

it seems like everyday, i see new person

its been more than 7 years im here

well,as im not that type of person who go visiting or wandering 

guess that do make sense

and as refer to live in me own world,

how can i know anyone else?? XD

i start mixing with people in form 4 if my diary is right

something happen but i dont want to talk bout it yet..

late form 4..

i can still remember my question to that sis

"sis,im scared..sekarang saya macam dah berubah..

tiba2 jadi sangat peramah dan happy.."

and she told me,everyone will change at a time in her or his life

she touch my hand and smile to me warmly

that was a nice feeling actually,i feel reborn

i do have friend in school..

lots of them

but its not me who's making friend,

they said i seems like a nice person and wanna be friend with me

actually..i have a thing toward some of the boys in my old school

and i kind of fight with them openly

maybe thats what make me popular among those girls XD

well,let just say,most of them are like

"perempuan melayu terakhir" with all the feminine and girly 

and only few of them are bit boyish like me..kuan3

o ya,btw..this one girl

kyra michi

she's kind of "not girly"

she doesnt like being girly at all

but if you ask me,she's among da best candidate for "anugerah wanita terbaik" XD

her cook is very...great

she knows how to handle kids n...er,boys..gomen neh michi-san =P

she knows her way with elders and people

what else do you want?? my dear michi XD

she's nice with me too..

i cry to her once when i was having a..er,fight with me mum

i went to school,toss me bag and ran to her

i hug her and cry..she sooth me and ask me what happen

she's a nice girl,really..

i like her as much as i like jie..

they both have the same trait..

being nice with me XD

of cause we only act spoil in front of the person we like =)

my final year project (fyp aka pita) really got me

making me shadow growing stronger inside me

i curse a lot

not that very bad cursing but curse is still a curse..

and with me condition right now,

i cant help it..

what more can i do??

listening to the sacred verse..

reading the sacred verse

to help me regain myself..

im too weak now..

and that fyp,me gonna defeat it

u just wait till sunday..i dare u fyp!!

im getting crazier and crazier..haih @_@

dear lord,please help me..only to you i pray..

4th entry: colors aka colours

you know,i think im gonna change noh to hafiz from this on
y?? dunno.. haha..
got sumthg to do wif noh hujan n mizz nina i guess XD


last 3 entry from me diary,cut here n there =P


n dz one i just thought of posting it
well,it is believe that color can effect us physical and mental
im gonna read bout that and tell u later eh.. ^_^


actually when i told dt counselor who i had my counseling with,
i like blue..he told me im lying 
i was like..my favorite color n u said im lying 0_o
but i did i guess..i like red best whether im aware or not =P
he caught me off guard there n he ask me if i like bright color as orange
then i told him,i have a lot of red with me maybe red
he said it suite me more..i dont look like a blue type person..fine!! humph!!


well,at other color theraphy,i was spot as a red person
i cant even open my mouth 2 reject it..n i was wearing dark blue
he told me i should avoid red as much if i want to have a steady live
as red make me cant control my temper n over active..tq..huhu
that guy was reading my mind all that time,i know it
cause he answering to my stupid mind question all the time while glancing at me
he even get mad at me to sumthg i didnt say aloud..geez


how color can help us and what your favorite color could posibly mean
im gonna dig in sumthing from google..
when im onto sumthg,i really gonna do it..
thats what i like bout myself =)
go sarah seven!! \\(^o^)//

you know,when i was in form 4, no one knows what an aurora is..
i was like...what??
i noe it since a child..even doraemon have it..
n they said im weirdo..who's da weirdo know?? LOL XD
so for you guys who has never heard or see anything of aurora..
here a link of video clip at the bottom for you..njoy~
and specially brought to you dhiya illa =)


Vanilla Twilight lyrics
Owl city

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here


Vanilla Twilight By Owl City

3rd entry: eid

god gracious,me head.. *ouchie
i thought i was ok last nite
thinking to much i guess
that y i hate thinking.. ops..
not really that but i oways thinking 2 much,
risk owayz told me that..so does me frens


disebabkan aq sangat tidak suka darah 
(siapa suka?? drakula?? pontianak??) 0_o
da lama kot x tengok orang sembelih lembu
tp kali ni disebabkan aq sendiri yang wat korban,
tgk je lah..
mau nak pitam gak ah bila darah da bsembur tu..
aq yang tengah taip pum rasa ngeri lagi even da lama insiden ni blaku..huk2
tp x tau ah nk pitam sbb matahari o sbb darah XD
tp siyes, mmg ngeri ko aq ckp
aq cume mmpu bterima kasih kt lembu yang "sudi" jadi offering,korban
sudi meh lembu tu??
well..itu lah nasib sang lembu..
syukurla aq sorang manusia
thanx god (^("|")^)


aq xmampu btahan lama pum
so i told my mum im going home 1st as i dont think i can keep standing any longer
then aq balik la rumah sorang2..
makan ubat ingat nak terus switch off..
tapi budak2 ni plak dtang,
c irah ngn c ida..ketuk2 pintu bilik
dengan baeq hati nya,bukak la kite ni
tanya tu tanya ni..layan~
then c irah ni p mbik frame gamba pastu tya,ni sape
gewe,ensem x?? XD
i was shock actually..nampak pulak budak 2..is is is
diorang da gelak2 lompat2 dah
pastu bley plak c bdk irah nk bwk kuar gamba 2,p gtau org len 80
kecut perut..seb beq c ida halang..
jangan la bgtau orang len nnt dy xnak kawan kite
alamak..so cute..kawaii~
then aq pum ambik frem gamba 2 dari irah..
kalu irah kabo orang len,xnak kawan irah
diorang pum da nak belah,aq pum baibai jak la,pastu kiss c bdk irah 2 ^3^
c bdk irah memang rapat ngan aq
ske je budak tu nyebuk aq wat keje..LOL


was on bed for half the day on 1st of eid
aq bgn da jam brape tah,
dkt jam 3 nk solat zohor
i dunno if im going 2 regret..
tp..aq langsung x tolong orang masak,siang daging sume
gile..bau darah pum aq da cam terbang je..
lagi mauk siang daging
so dgn insaf ny,aq pum tolong2 la apa yang mampu ditolong kt dapur
ramai kot orang..memang x putus
aq yang tengah still penim2 lalat,tahan jak lah
basuh piggan,hidang,camtu jak lah
then uncle aq ajak makan
langsung xde selera..daging pulak 2..
aq tye la my granma kot2 ad hati lembu kn..
makan pum cket jak
alas perut..xmampu seh nak kunyah..
ikut hati mati,ikut rasa binasa,memang aq nak tido
malang nya aq tlalu baeq ati..uhuk2 *cough*
da la c budak aisya ntah mana lesap ny..
memang la ramai pembantu rumah,
tapi seorang yang baeq ati cam aq tetap rasa bsalah..
padahal kadang aq xsempat nak tolong pum
tolong tengok,tolong borak..
tau la x expert..sampai ati diorang xnak bagi aq tolong..
tapi still rasa bsalah nak tido gak
so aq g la men ngan budak2,malas nak berebut basuh pinggan ngan orang tue XD
aq da duk kat situ..jadi baby sitter la plak..sarah3..ye3..sile3..
aq pum join ah budak2 2 wat bising..kuan3
ye,aq memang digemari budak pompuan..comey kn?? XP


msuk bilik tgk msg dr noh
rsa cam nak terbang when he said he miss my voice
feel soo stupid..
wanna noe sumthing more stupid than that i did??
adu..boley la plak aq silap hantar msg..
aq nk htr kt mizuki but instead aq g send kt noh
ya ampun Tuhan
aq tym 2 memang sangat harap aq adalah burung unta
nak timbus kepala dalam pasir
tym 2 aq pelik gak..awat la mynah ni lambat sangat reply msg aq
aq da nak kol ny tym 2..
tp msg noh masuk lagi..
mula2 aq cam lambat gak ah pick up kn,xpaham apa la mamat ni ngarut,
silap hantar msg ke apa..
then it struck me..silap hantar msg!!
arg!!aq nk jadi burng kasawari!!huk3..malu beb T////T
jahat3!!xguna betul,berani dia gelakkan aq tym tu
sangat kejam..huk3..segan sangat
adu Tuhan..tolong..huk3
marah giler ngan diri sendiri..
aq silap hantar msg yg aq ckp 
aq cm da kna love struck,rasa sangat ngeri,takut,flying campur sume..poyo..
out of ol da msg,nape la msg tu jugak yang nak kena salah hantar
ya,its nothing,i noe,but 4 me,its a whole lot thing..
sangat kejam dia gelakkan aq..wua~ ToT
seb beq malam tu nya noh sik bangkit kn benda 2
kalu x,mmg aq hang up trus ni..


kn..he can make me up and down just like that
arent i being stupid??
i did try to make myself not being effect by him
but i just cant..fail miserably
i just hope i know what im getting myself into
n he know what he got me into..bleh!! huk2

2nd entry: Home : 16th nov

i was wearing baju kurung mind u =P
when i was waiting for mum n risk to pick me up..
n my bro didnt even recognize me..
dt boy!!he really gt on my nerve..
no wonder he look at me like dt..he didnt even recognize me!!
he told me mum 
"mum,ada jgk eh,bdk pompuan yg pakai baju kurung kat cni.."
what does that suppose to be mean?!
of course he got two hit from me in the car..
he ask me if i went shopping,
of cz not!!it have been 2 years since i gt dat baju kurung..
he's said he didnt even recognize me as i dun look like myself
i look stunning o sumthg..
like i want to hear that from him..haih =_="
told him that ye lah,laen kali no more bju kurung only skirt (or jeans?? *cough*)
n then mum told me,he thought im someone else,look so innocent n ayu..ehem2 =P
after few fight wif risk,we're home


went 2 my bedroom n i feel soo relieve..
guess this what it mean to be home is what i thought at dt time
meet my granma..bullying my litel bros
n went to sleep as i told mum i didnt have enough sleep


later that night,i told granma i think i have a fever
i got headache..
she told me that i owayz have headache..
did i??i guess..
she told me to took sum medicine


on9 n chat wif adill
i was so freaking mad wif him n press him 2 tell me everythg..
we chat till late that night..
i owayz like him since 1st  year 
he's a lone ranger n a very shy guy at dt tym so i strongly agree they both together
adill n elli..
i can c him liking elli since our 1st year
but i start not liking him when he couple wif dyne
ol of those gals,y da hell did he choose the kind,innocent,not-couple-even-once dyne
arg!!dt guy..n it didnt even last long
poor dyne..
i even kol dyne privately just to advise her to think bout it few times
but..as im not dt gud wif dyne,mybe its more like a shock to her..huhu
i know how adill is..n dyne is juz seems 2 b a wrong person at a wrong tyme..
i noe sooner o later he would broke it up..he cant give commitment
but when he did,he can b such a push over
much more like me i would say..
i miss me like that..
so not going into any trouble relationship
so not crying at night
so not missing specific sum1..haih..
this is live,not a game sarah..
n i dun even think i can revert back 2 myself even if i want now
im sooo in deep trouble now
what have i dont wif myself now??
i can be so very stupid sumtym


oh..noh miskol..
didnt even realize that..
n i thought he didnt want to hve anything to do wif me ever again T_T
i was bit happy
though he dont tell anythg regarding what we talk b4


STUPID GIRL!!


but im hepi nevertheless..cant u b hepi wif me oh my dear self T_T

1st entry: eid holiday: 15hb nov malam

My God..how long have it been??


I’m busy with final, eid and I'm bit sick,
(if i didnt write,i might forget everythg wif my short term memory..*urg*) 
Well, I think I get it now,I'm always sick when I'm distress 
Not like I didn’t get distress before
But well,I got distress a whole lot often recently
Er,let just say,I can b ol hepy n ol down just like that
Cool I must say..
I never noe I can get involve with sumthg like this..LOL


well,1st entry: eid holiday
15hb nov night


da last time i check,i cant b alone by myself or i start doing stupid things
it happen last year n it happen again
2nite is da 2nd nyte im alone
as my roommate shana went home for eid holiday
me n noh, let see..we got sum argument before
ya,gt it there,last old forgotten post
n i was very down..thanx god it was holiday,
i cant focus wif anything in that kind of situation
so,i cut me own hair..make it short..but left the front hair long
weird style i noe but i like it long actualy 
it juz i promise not to cut myself again n really wanna cut sumthg
i can ALWAYS bruise aside everythg personal or trouble when it come to study
yet i learn sumthg new that life had offer
you cant really seperate between work and personal
i was like a mess that night..
i was crying again
that seems like sumthg i do often recently.. =_="
my mum always hate it when im crying
thats why i cant go home,not just yet
not wanting me mum seeing me look suck
i need to resolve my feeling..
i turn on the music and kol me bro
n talking to bro isnt helping at all
risk is being such a *urg*
i talk to him often,though not telling him everythg
i juz give him the surface n he's been supportive in his way
but that night,he start yelling at me
which i dont expect at all
we start shouting at each other then i told him dt 
he's not helping at all if he's only gonna yell stuff at me n i hung up
i was crying again,2times heart broken in a row
thats sumthg i cant handle at dt tym
stupid bro!!
i really wanna kol jie dt tym,
but couldnt bring myself to told her sumthg as hurt as this one
i must say myself,wt a very selfish girl i am..
so,i ask jessen if he was available dt night,
n i ask him for dinner 
he said he gt sumthg like gonna catch some lizard o sumthg
then later he'll acompany me..
great,i got dump n i lose to a monitor lizard..
well,not realy got dump..
noh didnt really said sumthg bout dumping me..not jz yet..huhu T_T


then elli went to me room
telling me her story bout her n adill
adill caught her going out social drinking wif frens
n i bet she was drunk when she pick up the phone
cause she didnt really rmmba wt hpn..
n 2 b worse,there was a specific guy with her
that make adill kind of jelez n mad,feel cheated n such
well,she did lie to adill so i guess its her fault 
but when adill start calling her names,
thats when i got mad
i've been fren wif elli for more than 2 years for now
n i noe what kind of girl she is
though she didnt look like it,she's a faithful christ
em..most of da time..i guess..gomen!! XD
its not that i have sumthg toward atheis but i need my God in life
n i believe everyone need a religion o belief 4 us 2 b on a right track
though im not a pious person..uhuk2 *cough*
n my atheis friends are rather very kind n im fond of them
they dont just go like,there's no God or sumthg..
they ask politely and listen when we explain


well then,
after elli has nearly come to an end for her story,im bursting in tears
not a very good timing indeed as we both cry..
er,as im broken 2times dt night,im more emotional than ever..
i feel sory at elli,mad at both of them,
thinking of my own prob,feeling so stupid,it juz all gt mixed up
adill told her that if she want to continue their realtionship,
she cant see any other guy
the hell..i said no,you cant agree to that
elli said she's ok wif that if adill promise to talk to her parents
saying that he'll take her as his bride
as adill already told his parents to buy a condo (or is it banglo) for them
i told elli to think hard bout that as
elli's a christ and adill,is indeed a muslim
she'll need to convert to be marry


though i think we can have cross religion marry with muslim now 
which i hardly agree with
a very stupid law for me
well im not the one who should say anything here
n they said,convert muslim means convert to malay,
another stupid belief
as if i remember it correct i thought malays r originally hindu refering to history
(and im bad at history n pgetahuan am =P)
n how come now we have malay christ if convert muslim means convert to malay??
it just in perlembagaan,malay means muslim,practic malay thing n *sumthg i dun rmmbr*
n voila,ur a malay..guess thats how,my family bcome malay..
me mum said,during that time,late great granpa need to hide from japanese,
n he start act like a malay, being with malay a lot n as he's already a muslim..
later then,he become malay muslim..no more chinese
we didnt even have that chinese name in us..a bit sad i must say
n my mum not interest a bit in the gathering they did
even when she's a very good fren with some of the members
n my fren always ask me each year if im coming..
i would like to meet my other family members,
listen to their stories about late great granpa and companions..
i still remember,when i was young,i can understand mandarin or is it hokkein or cantonese..
which i barely rmmba now..another sad story T_T
mum said it because late great grandpa use to talk to me a lot when i was babies,
we only have a pic of late great granpa,smiling while holding me..
i feel touch each tym i look at dt pic..


back to our story..
we talk3 and me told elli me story
i dun even noe if im rambling too much at that tym
didnt even care bout elli's emotion wave that was flying to me
think i can even hear her inner voice if im listen carefully..
maybe i would if im not in that kind of condition
i look so miserable..
if i can see my self at that time,i wouldnt possibly believe that it was me
no more sarah(princess/happiness) and 
totally not seven(not how our family act) at all +_+
feelin so stupid and down to the bottom of the earth..
'cept,im not really dead
elli told me mybe im moving to fast
guess so..im too afraid dt thing 2 years ago 2 b happen again
i seriously not ready if it happen again
im soo stupid after 2 years,y cant i just 4gt it n move on??
how can i,if each tym i heard his voice,each tym i c him,
i fall in love all over again
blame me..i always ask myself,y cant i jz b blind..
n live in me own world like that,i wont b hurt like this..
who possibbly create that crap saying if you love sum1,u need 2 let go
im totally not buying that stupid crap..
im being mental again am i??
stupid..


stupid girl
i should have should have known
i should have should have known
that im not a princess
this aint a fairy tale
im not the one 
you'll sweep off her feet
lead her up the stairwell
this aint holywood
this is a small town
i was a dreamer 
before you went n let me down
_white horse by taylor swift
(again)


then elli told me she's going 4 late dinner wif her fren n invite me
i said i should go out wif jessen
ask her to kol jessen as i dont think i can talk without jessen asking me much wif dt condition
i usually recover fast but..well..life has soo much to offer
n da best part is when ur down..
its da best teacher of all time,just for you to be strong next tym
i still have so much to learn from living
as i always palying game,live is so exciting when u cant reset or play again
we can just go on..move along..or die..if you're brave enough


jessen is still wif his lizard catching then i told elli
that im not eating,well,no one gonna ask anyway,n i lost my apetite
so i better off to sleep..
its 11 sumthg at that time..
i bide elli nyte and told her 2 t8 cre of herself
she told me,im gonna kill myself if im satying alone n suggest me 2 go home 2mrw..
i said mybe i'll do dt,saying thanx and lock da door..
turn up da volume of my music..
and went to shana's bed to sleep..
i dun think i can sleep on my bed that easily after wt hpn..
feels like wanna sleep wif da moon n stars
jessen kol me again minutes after that said he can stop he's work
and acompany me 1st..no hell way im going to agree wif dt
he should settle his job 1st..
im selfish but im not dt selfish..
i told him that its ok n i already lost my apetite
he said sory few times till i got mad
nearly 12,jessen kol me,said he's done wif dt lizard things n 
ask me if i wanna join him n mates..
said i wanna sleep..
he ask if there's sumthg i wanna tell him..
i tease him..saying is that is it only if i have trouble we can have dinner together..
he said sory..again!!
actually we went through this once..we were having dinner n he ask me if i hv a prob
i said im doing okay..nothing down n i ask him wt da sudden
he said he read my fb n thought i gt a prob
i gt mad.."dz dinner is jz bcz i hv prob,then when i dont hv prob,i cant eat wif u??is dt wt u said??"
he said sory it jz bcz its so hard 2 ask me 4 dinner recently..
well,mybe true..i give him so many excuse recently
n i unproposely broke promise 2 times.. *ouchie* dt really not me..huhu -_-
n dt i accept dt dinner was bcz dira said 
i should make up the broken promise n it jz a fren dinner..
well,i went dt night after i make sure dira gonna have her dinner even without me
sheez..that girl..if im not accompany her,sumtym she didnt eat at all..
n she's small..adoi


well,as jessen was asking,
i told everythg ok..jz gt into a litel fight wif my bro
there's no way im gonna tell jessen bout my prob wif noh
i wan to talk wif him so dt i can 4gt noh 4 a while xtually
well,jessen did noe sum bout noh,being da reason y i havent couple till now
jz a stupid old reason..hm,i seems like this "stupid" word much 
but i realy anti "bodoh","bangang",wt eva b-word in malay,it sounds degraded..n stupid XD
we just talk 4 about 10 to 15 minutes..
not much on me..just asking bout dt lizard thing n his project n stupid stuff
n i was wondering by myself,y cant i talk 2 noh as im talking 2 jessen
it should be a lot easier talking wif a fren..
i told jessen to hung up as didnt want him 2 waste his credit..
of cz he said he didnt mind,but i didnt wan his fren waiting
so i told him to say helo to PJ n her fren n his other team dt i didnt noe
i can hear PJ calling me name from back there..haha
i feel a bit ok after talking 2 jessen but..
as soon as i hung up,m8 me rmmba of noh again so i decided to switch the song,
listen to sumthg dt isnt emo such raihan..insaf la skjp konon ny
i drink plenty of water,look at the moon for the last time,
talk to kuma-kun n turn myself off..
kuma-kun is a gift from jie..my 1st teddy bear ever..suke~ (^_^) 


pretty headache i got dt night..
my bro said sorry and promise to do sumthg bout my mum
as she promise to pick me up a 8am which im not even sure if 
im already stable at that time!!
but make me promise to be civil at home..
uh oh..im always a gud gal at home..
well,mybe not..a very much silent one i guess..
but i though i change..a bit..making coversation n such..a bit..huhu
u gt da idea..i only talk much wif my dear bro,risk..
if n only if..he's being civil wif me..*cough*
which he did..most of da tym..saying its his responsible..owkaaayyyy @_@


ps: jessen once told me,im start using ol english when im depress or in trouble..high5 2 jessen (-_-)(")