13 Sept

Hello

Few days ago,

My sis went back to her college,

Well, we shake hand of coz

But no hugging or kisses.

Since she was home,

Most of the time she talked to me,

More like talking TO my back,

Only brought tears to my eyes

Only harsh words came out of her mouth

Made me feel like she detest me to the core

Made me wanna die more sooner than ever

What a great sis she is

Liar

She said she love me

Just a few days before she went home

She said she’s happy I'm her big sis

Liar

What an actor

I would gladly hand over her the award

Though I do consider myself a good actor

I, me, never ever do something as cold as her

If my memories serve me right that is.

She, stab my heart over and over again

Only after she told me that she love me

Only after she said she care for me

Only after she said she was glad I'm her sis

What a joke

Is God playing a prank on me?

I always ask myself that

But then, hey, we’re mortal

God can do anything He like

No, don’t take me wrong here

I DO believe in God

And I do believe, He care enough for me to make me undergo everything

Though I'm not a pious

I believe and always believe He is here

And everything I go through is yet another test He gave me

How I'm glad my parents made me into a believer

If I'm not, I don’t think I ever alive in this damn world

I can’t count how many times had it been for me to be dying 

But yet I'm still breathing

Only because I believe in Him

But you know, I think my time will over soon than I expect

Know why?

I am a person who found it hard to forgive myself

And if I'm the reason someone acting weird

It make me can’t forgive more

I’ll kick, punch and cut myself

But recently

Something happen

I really want someone to die

And that person didn't really do any harm to me

Bit with him die, I’ll be free

Or it is what I thought

I don’t know what has come to me

Am I finally snapped it?

No!

I don’t want to snap

I want to be normal even if I need to pretend for the rest of my life

I am a good actor

Though not as good as my sick sis

She’s cold

Really cold

Oh and it’s not her that I want dead

Another person

Another person who’s life not really connect with me

Another person who if even dead, I won’t know if I didn't ask how well he is

Yep, a stranger out of closet

See, I told you I'm gonna die soon

I want a mere stranger to be dead so that I don’t have to think about him

Or doing my job

Recently I can’t think of him as a father figure anymore

I'm going crazy aren’t I?

I thought what will happen to his kids, wife

But I don’t even really care

I'm mean

I'm crazy

My shadow is overwhelming

I can’t lose myself

Hang in there self!!

Enough of that dark shadow of mine,

Let’s look at me

You know what,

I'm really happy at home nowadays

Not really nowadays but I don’t know since when

But there are times at home that make me really feel belong

Seriously I thought I was pretending to be ok, I'm fine, or whatever

But it might means something else

Ok, I use to be left alone at home since I was young

No big deals

(It did feels really lonely sometimes though to be honest)

But hey, what I'm going to tell you is

My grandma

You know,

I had live with gran when I was baby until mum decide she want to take me back

And gran really really love me

I was immature arrogant prat before that I didn't realize it

Well, you can say I was soo much into my act that I'm emotionless

A doll

I'm being kind and all

But rarely come to heart

I hate it

I don’t know

I thought if I open my heart

It will be stomp upon

Like what my sis did to me,

Well, that  another story and I want to forget it this moment

What I wanna say is

I really enjoy it

To be at the kitchen

And talk to my gran

My heart it feels light

And I feel at peace

Like I was in my room and hugging kuma but I'm not

Instead I'm just sit there,

Mostly listen to her rambling

Act that I'm really hungry

Demand some so that she can give it to me

I'm stupid aren’t I?

But I'm feel so happy when I said I wanna eat something when she ask

Though I'm not really hungry

It feels warm and nice

A very nice feeling you know

My gran is old

I don’t know how much long does she has

But I don’t wanna die before her

I wanna make her happy if that the least I can do

I really love her

I just notice recently that I can love

I can love without want it back

I think love is gratitude

I mean, I love my ex, still

But I want him to love me back and when he can’t give me that

I can’t love him more

Family love is something else

It makes you feel warm and secure

Though that other person rarely tell you that they love you,

You just know it

I always feel insecure

Risk said I cant forgive myself when dad left

I deny it,

I mean,

I don’t blame myself right?

Or was it happen at the back of my mind that I don’t realize it

I don’t know

But what I know is

Gran make me feel safe and secure

It’s warm and lovely feeling

Like I'm a good guy, well, I am right? =P

I really love gran

And she is the reason I don’t want to die yet

God bless her.

When I'm typing this and thinking of my gran,

I'm smiling =)

And my granma at dad side

Is not very well

When I look at him

I only think of when will God take her to Him

I don’t want to see her suffer

But I'm in no place to say anything

Her children and grandchildren may want her longer

In fact

I'm not really her granddaughter

But dad told me to love her the same

So I did my best

When I think about it

I am kind, but not really kind hearted

It’s more like I program myself to be kind

That’s what my mum always told me to be

And that will make my dad happy too

So I program myself to be kind

I'm such an actor aren’t I?

That’s why I never believe in love

Mum, dad, they’re together because of responsibility

Parents’ duty is to take care of their children

It is duty, not really love is what I think

I pity myself

No wonder I always feels alone

That’s another reason I broke up with my ex >_<

I think I'm not being honest with him

I want to figure my own feeling and I don’t want him to waste time with me

I actually really wanna tell my mum that when we were having a fight months ago

Reason: guess who start first?

My sis!! 100 points to who got it right

Sometimes I think God create her to make myself miserable x_x

It been very long since me and my mum had a fight

She’s home for a day and my life become upside down

Most of the time when mum shout at me whatever she said

I just keep quite

I promise risk I wont get into any more trouble

And I don’t

The trouble find me, says harry potter

Mum said I hold to many secret to myself

And she hate it

I cant believe it

When was she when I wanna talk?

Was she even listening when I'm start talking?

Whose fault is that that I'm start talking alone?

I talk I do talk I tell you

It was gran!

Gran was listening when I'm talking

She always listen though she don’t really get it

I'm sorry mum

But this one thing I cant tell you

I cant tell you that I love gran more than you

I'm sorry dad

I just cant do it

I did try my best

But I just couldn’t dad

Why cant I?

Why is it so easy for them but not me?

I'm her daughter too, aren’t I dad? T_T

God, wow!  ^o^

Its been long since I wanna tell that

Wow, I feel relive a bit

Well, don’t bottle up everything in yourself

U might burst

And you need a good cry once a while

Share it, u will feel better.

I am now

Well, though I'm not really telling a human

Write it down or in this case, type it down is ok too.. LOL XD

I read a fanfic, bout this person,

She cut to relieve her stress,

But she was worse,

Abuse and everything

She feels insecure with her boyfriend

And sometime cant believe her boyfriend word

She had a really scary childhood

That makes her trust no one

But one day, she was bleeding too much that she was going to die

 And that when she start to have therapy and such

And in that story,

She wrote in a diary and every time she wanna cut or wanna die

She would put X X X X X X X X X

Until she feel satisfied

She took a long time before she really believe in her boyfriend

And new guardian

But she did it

And I will too.

I’ll be happy dad,

Don’t worry =)

Ps: Too long sara, way too long. Oh well, I'm just talking to myself anyway. C ya self!

Ps2: oh n btw, risk home. He arrive 4 in the morning, gran told me.