hello,
guess what,
risk call me last night
to tell me
"you're such an ungrateful daughter"
how cold is that?
wicked? yes,in negative way
i've been doing my very best to do everything i can
nearly everything she want me to
except for the part im not going to continue my study
last year she told me she dont want me to pursue my study,
so i already made my plan
and to a more shocking news
not really shocking
but a shock for me
today is the day
we should register our course if we want to continue study
i want to say God was mean to me
but hey,we're just a mortal,just merely servent
God know best
He create us so He know what best for us right?
i kept saying this to myself
and it calm me down
though sometimes i got carried away
but im not a saint,
so maybe i need a reminder from someone not me sometimes
then guess God dont want me to pursue study?
maybe, maybe not..
we merely a mortal
we never know what happen next..
i never know....
and mum is sick
not really sick sick
she got headache
i knew it as she told me
and she slept all day
so i thought she need a quite environment
which not what my bro thought she want
God i wanna die
i am a mere mortal
i cant go into someone and just read their mind can i?
it just happen that i can read someone mind
and it usually happen accidently
i've tried to probe someone mind before
to cheat in exam
and the result not very satisfying though i got myself a B
despite not studying
i had the worse headache i ever had
and it was lucky i dont have blood coming from my nose after i break the contact
after so long that that girl was thinking of a boy
and didnt focus on her paper
when i tried to get the answer again
i just cant bring myself as i was so exhausted
what im trying to say is
what about "you dont need to read families mind to know what thier thiking" suck?
if you dont tell,
how can anyone know
which will open 1 more secret of me
i was thinking when i was driving in the car
when was i start using a diary
when was it?
when i was little
mum use to give us diary as a prsesent
and told us to write in it
it happen all year around as far as i concern
and i wrote in it
nearly all the thing is in it
though sometimes in a year im too lazy
but i put my heart in it and its like my pandora box
i know it that sometimes mum and them
read my diary
of course im mad
but after sometimes we use the diary to better understand each other
they understand me better and as i rarely talk,
it help me
but what the real reason in writing in the diary is
i dont have anyone to talk to
or to be more honest
i dont think i have anyone to talk to
especially since dad left
and somewhere around that in starting to talk by myself
freak?
no,muni told me im just lonely
she's the only person that told me that
i was taken at that time
it was in my high school
and she knows nothing about my home or past
she just defense me when people told me im crazy
and thats when im start making friends
weird huh?
how a mere stranger can turn you into someone else
and how a home can be so toxicating
i really envy my friends and cousins
i've been listening to this song again,
which very not helping my emotion and rational and surely not spirit
I'm so tired of being here
(this house is suffocating me)
Suppressed by all my childish fears
(i dont wanna be here)
And if you have to leave
(i wanna die already)
I wish that you would just leave
(why cant i die yet)
Your presence still lingers here
(yes,deep inside,i wanna stay)
And it won't leave me alone
(i wanna be with you mum,really)
These wounds won't seem to heal
(why cant i forget?)
This pain is just too real
(its hurting me)
There's just too much that time cannot erase
(i wanna forget everything,you already said sorry,im really sorry mum)
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
(you know i would)
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
(please,look at me mum)
And I held your hand through all of these years
(you got me here)
But you still have
(i'll always be your daughter)
All of me
(always be..i really love you mum..really..please)
You used to captivate me
(dad i miss you)
By your resonating light
(i wanna go with you)
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
(why would you leave me? i love mum like you told me so..)
Your face it haunts
(but i still miss you)
My once pleasant dreams
(i wanna be with you)
Your voice it chased away
(i dont think i belong to where you're not exist)
All the sanity in me
(im going crazy here dad)
These wounds won't seem to heal
(dad,im scared,its hurting me)
This pain is just too real
(please God,let me die)
There's just too much that time cannot erase
(why cant i just forget everything? GOD!!)
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
(i would really do)
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
(if only you talk with me)
And I held your hand through all of these years
(you know i love you)
But you still have
(i really do)
All of me
(believe me please)
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
(im sorry dad, i really try hard)
But though you're still with me
(but i cant sometimes, i just cant)
I've been alone all along
(im alone dad..im sorry..im really sorry)
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
(im crying alone)
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
(im in agony)
And I held your hand through all of these years
(i need someone please..God please..)
But you still have
(i really love you mum)
All of me
(believe me please..please..)
Me..
(please mum..)
song do effext people
so im going to find a sothing song for myself..
i already delete few artist from my song list
well,u know..
just forget..
i wish i can retrive my memory
like they did in harry potter
or alter it as prof. slughorn did it..
or die..
sorry..
ya,i mean,i'll leave it in God hand
im sorry!!!
im sorry dad..
im sorry mum..
im really sorry..
its all my fault..
why cant i just forget everything..
im sorry..
O God,im at your mercy..
guide me to the light..
ps: u know what i like bout myslef? even when im about to go crazy, i still pray.. thats what keep my sanity i guess.. u should try it..LOL XD
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