28 Sept

hello  ===<@

i still stuck as RA as in research assistant in my college

actually i need to make it from the beginning

yesterday we got a meeting

and you know how he put it

~flashback~

DR: how long have you said you start this?

ME: after my practical which on..July..and then..as i told you after eid that..

DR: *cut me* 2 months? how many time has been waste, do u notice?

ME: *suppress urge to straggle him* im sorry

ME: (in my mind: havent we talk about this before?? and do yo know how many people said that i should never do it on my own that i need guidance that this is practically as if my own paper??)

~end flashback~

i dont hate him,honest

in fact i love him

not love love but love..

u know..

as in i love you mum, i love u little brother that kind of love

actually though some people talk bad bout him,

i dislike them for talking like that

i respect him as a teacher and such

but that's why i got bullied said a friend of mine..

btw,that's remind me..

omg,im sooo telling u this

ok,read me..

u know..

i kind of got myself a cousin

how cool is that?

omg..

and u know how does it happen?

and oh yeah, its a "he"

well, the story should be begin like this

its during my practical at that marine park

it was me with dira and zain and ley

and its him,ley!!

i dont really realize the sequence or the consequence 

but something like this happen

i already tell myself that im going to bring myself as a "lady" there

so i act like one of course

i LOVE acting

well,as i always am a good actor so i live as a real actor

feeling like a lady and such

then i dont really remember what happen 

but i have a feeling that this ley guy remember me of someone

he remembered me of my dear cousin..or rather cousins actually

and why is that?

well,im not really sure how to put this in words

what im going to say is

i have few older boy cousin that i look up at them when im in trouble

or they just being a real big brother as they can around me if that is easier to understand

and i thought of ley act as one

i cant treat him as a friend

i mean, i dont see him as a friend anymore after few weeks hang out together

we, as in me, dira, zain and ley really hang out a lot mind u

and in the beginning the staff thought us as double couple

as me with ley and dira with zain

that is long before i have this cousin feeling though

and the reason is,

this ley guy,

actually jokingly suggest us to married them as they want to share house with us

they dont have a place to stay there

and of course,we're not going to share with them 

that's how the marriage thing come out and it did make a ruckus as the staff start gossipping

during that practical, ley had been nice to us 

but practically zain is stuck with dira 

actually he's just being himself but i dont know..

so i thought ley was being a thoughtful person

and one day i told him

"u know ley, i think of you as my cousin"

they made a weird face and laugh of course

i told him im serious and i want to adopt him as my cousin

he refuse flatly

cool

well, if he accept, i'll be the one who'll call him weird

he saved me 2x as i got sexual harassment 

as he save me that first time,

we are not really that close,

just friend and as i thank him, 

he had this weird face as saying why-are-you-making-such-a-big-deal-its-nothing

but as time pass by, we four are kind of best-buddy or maybe not really best but u get the idea

then he start talking with me

and we become close and our acquaintance there some of them believe we are real cousin

actually zain and dira bought it too

i dont really know how dira bought that story, she is my bestfriend for three years

but i dont feel like explaining so im still not

there, thats the story of how i got myself a cousin..LOL

like i dont have enough cousin of myself..uh oh.. =_="

and the best thing is,

the reason i can be that close with ley 

though we practically never talk in campus 

is

i already know he had a fiance and he's really not my type

he's too skinny to my liking!!

and he hate fat people..

there, we dont suit each other..

*i think jessen has asked me before if i want to rent a house with him and few others if i got to sabah.. God forbid and im not.. thats really one awkward moment to reply him though.. i told him its not going to work out and i dontjessen but i dont believe in teenage hormone and i do believe in God.*

ps: whenever ley ask for my help or whenever i thanks him for helping me, he would say this "arent we cousin?" or "well,we're cousin" he's cute..LOL

ps2: i found this livejournal and im writing there as my everyday well nearly everyday..and it can post my twitter which where i really being myself so i love it there and i dont write this long there..only gist of my everyday and retweet post so its really is lighter and less headache for you to read =P

If that’s alright with you

If that’s alright with you

By Tom Felton

If that’s alright with you (I’ll be on my way)…

If that’s alright with you,
I’ll pack my bags and be on my way.
And still if that’s not alright with you -
speak now ‘cause I’m on my way round
To spend the night with you,
Hold you in my arms like you was a guitar.
And by now you’re guessing I’m liking you.
So fine and I want you to be mine.

So while I’m in this state of mind there’s no time like the present.
Pick you up to sing you little songs under a half crescent.
Be so very pleasant -
Only you and myself.
The only problem is I’m here
And you appear just to be somewhere else.

That’s just the way it is.
I’ve done my best yet still I’m stressed.
Oh no I’m sick of the way it is.
And what to do I simply haven’t got two clues.

Because I’ve been searching for a person of a kind,
But the only thing I’ve found is she’s pretty hard to find.
Starry shine from the sky at night like its my final sign.
I wish that you were with me but I guess that I’ll get by alright.

‘Cause that’s when I woke up you’re not lying there.
For that’s when I woke up and realized how much I simply care…
And How much I simply care…

If that’s alright with you -
I’ll pack my bags and be on my way.
And still if that’s not alright with you speak now ‘cause I’m on my way round
To spend the night with you,
Hold you in my arms like you was a guitar.
And by now you’re guessing I’m liking you.
You’re so fine and I want you to be mine.

Wherever she is and whatever she’s doing,
She’s probably got a hundred thousand people already queuing,
And on top of it my brain and body haven’t seemed to got a grip,
every time I try to ring you up I seem to bottle it.
What a d***!
What to say to you? Forgotten it.
Supposed to be so confident and cool – I’m quite the opposite.
Listen, yeah, being by myself already sick of that.
Kiss your lips – hit me for six, just like a cricket bat.
Smack, gone, going, what’s happened is not knowing -
Wont stop flowing ‘till I’ve filled up my little cup of thought.
Looking for a little lady to love and not the other sort.
I love the thought of you and I living like its do or die.
I’m here for you my girl you as long as I’m blue in eye
There’ll be a cloudless sky when I see the sight of you.
I kiss you on the lips, but only if that’s alright with you.
(But only if that’s alright with you.)

If that’s alright with you
I’ll pack my bags and be on my way.
And still if that’s not alright with you,
Speak now ‘cause I’m on my way round
To spend the night with you,
Hold you in my arms like you was a guitar.
And by now you’re guessing I’m liking you.
You’re so fine and I want you to be mine.
I want you to be mine…

Kagamine Len & Rin *squeak*

ps: this song a bit *blush* for me actually..i rarely listen to song with this type of lyric but its from Tom, so yeah =P

ps2: For those didnt know, draco malfoy can sing!! take that!! LOL 

ps3: im so pissed off yesterday that i cant buy tom music..your account can only buy music from Malaysia..geh.. >_<

14 09 2011

4 more days before my birthday and i'll be 23..duh

risk at home, i told you already right

he didnt talk to me

and im not talking to him

its awkward

damn and he was so cute when he was little 

and when he's there

i dont talk to mum either

double awkward

so me only talking to gran

found few job vacancy

kindergarden teacher

but its far from home

and gran said she want me near to her

its been 2 times i reject a work proposal

man,cant i get married yet

told mum bout that sometime ago

but she said no

God, and it was her who complain so much and

want me to marry who-ever-it-is-i-dont-know

honestly, i dont really wanna get marry, you know

i mean, i only want to have a baby boy

and go on with my life

and it wont be a prob either if i cant get a baby

i can adopt

but mum dont like the idea

she still want me to get marry

boy suck

and i dont think anyone would marry me

hell, im emo, immature, insecure and everything

though i have a nice face if i may add ^o^

but that's it

all the boy who come close to me

only because they think im cute

other than that im nothing

oh, i have money btw x_x

see..

there's no way im gonna marry a boy

who only after my look and family money

i just wanna adopt some children and go on with it

babies are wonderful gift

i found a fanfic yesterday about babies

that author put so much thought in it

and i remeber myself from 16 when i read that

i start wanna adopt when i was 16 mind you

but there's no way my family would allow it

well,what am i gonna fed them?

i dont have that much money 

and im living with family money at that time

now that im nearly 23

i got me own job

(though not a permenent one, still go job hunting =P)

i got my dad car

me own transport that is

i think i can carry myself well

ya, after a few years that is

my aim is when i was 25

oh God, i cant wait to have my baby ^_^

ps: i LOVE to read an i LOVE anime..just thought to say that =P

aren't they the cutest? darn, they're too cute when they were small alright =P

sweet dream my baby..mama <3 u  ^3^

13 Sept

Hello

Few days ago,

My sis went back to her college,

Well, we shake hand of coz

But no hugging or kisses.

Since she was home,

Most of the time she talked to me,

More like talking TO my back,

Only brought tears to my eyes

Only harsh words came out of her mouth

Made me feel like she detest me to the core

Made me wanna die more sooner than ever

What a great sis she is

Liar

She said she love me

Just a few days before she went home

She said she’s happy I'm her big sis

Liar

What an actor

I would gladly hand over her the award

Though I do consider myself a good actor

I, me, never ever do something as cold as her

If my memories serve me right that is.

She, stab my heart over and over again

Only after she told me that she love me

Only after she said she care for me

Only after she said she was glad I'm her sis

What a joke

Is God playing a prank on me?

I always ask myself that

But then, hey, we’re mortal

God can do anything He like

No, don’t take me wrong here

I DO believe in God

And I do believe, He care enough for me to make me undergo everything

Though I'm not a pious

I believe and always believe He is here

And everything I go through is yet another test He gave me

How I'm glad my parents made me into a believer

If I'm not, I don’t think I ever alive in this damn world

I can’t count how many times had it been for me to be dying 

But yet I'm still breathing

Only because I believe in Him

But you know, I think my time will over soon than I expect

Know why?

I am a person who found it hard to forgive myself

And if I'm the reason someone acting weird

It make me can’t forgive more

I’ll kick, punch and cut myself

But recently

Something happen

I really want someone to die

And that person didn't really do any harm to me

Bit with him die, I’ll be free

Or it is what I thought

I don’t know what has come to me

Am I finally snapped it?

No!

I don’t want to snap

I want to be normal even if I need to pretend for the rest of my life

I am a good actor

Though not as good as my sick sis

She’s cold

Really cold

Oh and it’s not her that I want dead

Another person

Another person who’s life not really connect with me

Another person who if even dead, I won’t know if I didn't ask how well he is

Yep, a stranger out of closet

See, I told you I'm gonna die soon

I want a mere stranger to be dead so that I don’t have to think about him

Or doing my job

Recently I can’t think of him as a father figure anymore

I'm going crazy aren’t I?

I thought what will happen to his kids, wife

But I don’t even really care

I'm mean

I'm crazy

My shadow is overwhelming

I can’t lose myself

Hang in there self!!

Enough of that dark shadow of mine,

Let’s look at me

You know what,

I'm really happy at home nowadays

Not really nowadays but I don’t know since when

But there are times at home that make me really feel belong

Seriously I thought I was pretending to be ok, I'm fine, or whatever

But it might means something else

Ok, I use to be left alone at home since I was young

No big deals

(It did feels really lonely sometimes though to be honest)

But hey, what I'm going to tell you is

My grandma

You know,

I had live with gran when I was baby until mum decide she want to take me back

And gran really really love me

I was immature arrogant prat before that I didn't realize it

Well, you can say I was soo much into my act that I'm emotionless

A doll

I'm being kind and all

But rarely come to heart

I hate it

I don’t know

I thought if I open my heart

It will be stomp upon

Like what my sis did to me,

Well, that  another story and I want to forget it this moment

What I wanna say is

I really enjoy it

To be at the kitchen

And talk to my gran

My heart it feels light

And I feel at peace

Like I was in my room and hugging kuma but I'm not

Instead I'm just sit there,

Mostly listen to her rambling

Act that I'm really hungry

Demand some so that she can give it to me

I'm stupid aren’t I?

But I'm feel so happy when I said I wanna eat something when she ask

Though I'm not really hungry

It feels warm and nice

A very nice feeling you know

My gran is old

I don’t know how much long does she has

But I don’t wanna die before her

I wanna make her happy if that the least I can do

I really love her

I just notice recently that I can love

I can love without want it back

I think love is gratitude

I mean, I love my ex, still

But I want him to love me back and when he can’t give me that

I can’t love him more

Family love is something else

It makes you feel warm and secure

Though that other person rarely tell you that they love you,

You just know it

I always feel insecure

Risk said I cant forgive myself when dad left

I deny it,

I mean,

I don’t blame myself right?

Or was it happen at the back of my mind that I don’t realize it

I don’t know

But what I know is

Gran make me feel safe and secure

It’s warm and lovely feeling

Like I'm a good guy, well, I am right? =P

I really love gran

And she is the reason I don’t want to die yet

God bless her.

When I'm typing this and thinking of my gran,

I'm smiling =)

And my granma at dad side

Is not very well

When I look at him

I only think of when will God take her to Him

I don’t want to see her suffer

But I'm in no place to say anything

Her children and grandchildren may want her longer

In fact

I'm not really her granddaughter

But dad told me to love her the same

So I did my best

When I think about it

I am kind, but not really kind hearted

It’s more like I program myself to be kind

That’s what my mum always told me to be

And that will make my dad happy too

So I program myself to be kind

I'm such an actor aren’t I?

That’s why I never believe in love

Mum, dad, they’re together because of responsibility

Parents’ duty is to take care of their children

It is duty, not really love is what I think

I pity myself

No wonder I always feels alone

That’s another reason I broke up with my ex >_<

I think I'm not being honest with him

I want to figure my own feeling and I don’t want him to waste time with me

I actually really wanna tell my mum that when we were having a fight months ago

Reason: guess who start first?

My sis!! 100 points to who got it right

Sometimes I think God create her to make myself miserable x_x

It been very long since me and my mum had a fight

She’s home for a day and my life become upside down

Most of the time when mum shout at me whatever she said

I just keep quite

I promise risk I wont get into any more trouble

And I don’t

The trouble find me, says harry potter

Mum said I hold to many secret to myself

And she hate it

I cant believe it

When was she when I wanna talk?

Was she even listening when I'm start talking?

Whose fault is that that I'm start talking alone?

I talk I do talk I tell you

It was gran!

Gran was listening when I'm talking

She always listen though she don’t really get it

I'm sorry mum

But this one thing I cant tell you

I cant tell you that I love gran more than you

I'm sorry dad

I just cant do it

I did try my best

But I just couldn’t dad

Why cant I?

Why is it so easy for them but not me?

I'm her daughter too, aren’t I dad? T_T

God, wow!  ^o^

Its been long since I wanna tell that

Wow, I feel relive a bit

Well, don’t bottle up everything in yourself

U might burst

And you need a good cry once a while

Share it, u will feel better.

I am now

Well, though I'm not really telling a human

Write it down or in this case, type it down is ok too.. LOL XD

I read a fanfic, bout this person,

She cut to relieve her stress,

But she was worse,

Abuse and everything

She feels insecure with her boyfriend

And sometime cant believe her boyfriend word

She had a really scary childhood

That makes her trust no one

But one day, she was bleeding too much that she was going to die

 And that when she start to have therapy and such

And in that story,

She wrote in a diary and every time she wanna cut or wanna die

She would put X X X X X X X X X

Until she feel satisfied

She took a long time before she really believe in her boyfriend

And new guardian

But she did it

And I will too.

I’ll be happy dad,

Don’t worry =)

Ps: Too long sara, way too long. Oh well, I'm just talking to myself anyway. C ya self!

Ps2: oh n btw, risk home. He arrive 4 in the morning, gran told me.

07 09 2011

hello,

guess what,

risk call me last night

to tell me

"you're such an ungrateful daughter"

how cold is that?

wicked? yes,in negative way

i've been doing my very best to do everything i can

nearly everything she want me to

except for the part im not going to continue my study

last year she told me she dont want me to pursue my study,

so i already made my plan

and to a more shocking news

not really shocking

but a shock for me

today is the day

we should register our course if we want to continue study

i want to say God was mean to me

but hey,we're just a mortal,just merely servent

God know best

He create us so He know what best for us right?

i kept saying this to myself

and it calm me down

though sometimes i got carried away

but im not a saint,

so maybe i need a reminder from someone not me sometimes

then guess God dont want me to pursue study?

maybe, maybe not..

we merely a mortal

we never know what happen next..

i never know....

and mum is sick

not really sick sick

she got headache

i knew it as she told me 

and she slept all day

so i thought she need a quite environment

which not what my bro thought she want

God i wanna die

i am a mere mortal

i cant go into someone and just read their mind can i?

it just happen that i can read someone mind

and it usually happen accidently

i've tried to probe someone mind before

to cheat in exam

and the result not very satisfying though i got myself a B

despite not studying

i had the worse headache i ever had

and it was lucky i dont have blood coming from my nose after i break the contact

after so long that that girl was thinking of a boy

and didnt focus on her paper

when i tried to get the answer again

i just cant bring myself as i was so exhausted

what im trying to say is

what about "you dont need to read families mind to know what thier thiking" suck?

if you dont tell,

how can anyone know

which will open 1 more secret of me

i was thinking when i was driving in the car

when was i start using a diary

when was it?

when i was little

mum use to give us diary as a prsesent

and told us to write in it

it happen all year around as far as i concern

and i wrote in it

nearly all the thing is in it

though sometimes in a year im too lazy

but i put my heart in it and its like my pandora box

i know it that sometimes mum and them 

read my diary 

of course im mad

but after sometimes we use the diary to better understand each other

they understand me better and as i rarely talk,

it help me

but what the real reason in writing in the diary is

i dont have anyone to talk to

or to be more honest

i dont think i have anyone to talk to

especially since dad left

and somewhere around that in starting to talk by myself

freak?

no,muni told me im just lonely

she's the only person that told me that

i was taken at that time

it was in my high school

and she knows nothing about my home or past

she just defense me when people told me im crazy

and thats when im start making friends

weird huh?

how a mere stranger can turn you into someone else

and how a home can be so toxicating

i really envy my friends and cousins

i've been listening to this song again,

which very not helping my emotion and rational and surely not spirit

"My Immortal"

I'm so tired of being here
(this house is suffocating me)
Suppressed by all my childish fears
(i dont wanna be here)
And if you have to leave
(i wanna die already)
I wish that you would just leave
(why cant i die yet)
Your presence still lingers here
(yes,deep inside,i wanna stay)
And it won't leave me alone
(i wanna be with you mum,really)

These wounds won't seem to heal
(why cant i forget?)
This pain is just too real
(its hurting me)
There's just too much that time cannot erase
(i wanna forget everything,you already said sorry,im really sorry mum)

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
(you know i would)
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
(please,look at me mum)
And I held your hand through all of these years
(you got me here)
But you still have
(i'll always be your daughter)
All of me
(always be..i really love you mum..really..please)

You used to captivate me
(dad i miss you)
By your resonating light
(i wanna go with you)
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
(why would you leave me? i love mum like you told me so..)
Your face it haunts
(but i still miss you)
My once pleasant dreams
(i wanna be with you)
Your voice it chased away
(i dont think i belong to where you're not exist)
All the sanity in me
(im going crazy here dad)

These wounds won't seem to heal
(dad,im scared,its hurting me)
This pain is just too real
(please God,let me die)
There's just too much that time cannot erase
(why cant i just forget everything? GOD!!)

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
(i would really do)
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
(if only you talk with me)
And I held your hand through all of these years
(you know i love you)
But you still have
(i really do)
All of me
(believe me please)

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
(im sorry dad, i really try hard)
But though you're still with me
(but i cant sometimes, i just cant)
I've been alone all along
(im alone dad..im sorry..im really sorry)

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
(im crying alone)
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
(im in agony)
And I held your hand through all of these years
(i need someone please..God please..)
But you still have
(i really love you mum)
All of me
(believe me please..please..)
Me..
(please mum..)

song do effext people 

so im going to find a sothing song for myself..

i already delete few artist from my song list

well,u know..

just forget..

i wish i can retrive my memory 

like they did in harry potter 

or alter it as prof. slughorn did it..

or die..

sorry..

ya,i mean,i'll leave it in God hand

im sorry!!!

im sorry dad..

im sorry mum..

im really sorry..

its all my fault..

why cant i just forget everything..

im sorry..

O God,im at your mercy..

guide me to the light..

ps: u know what i like bout myslef? even when im about to go crazy, i still pray.. thats what keep my sanity i guess.. u should try it..LOL XD

05 09 2011

hello~ ~ ~

konichiwa~

God,how long has it be?

well,to wrap up,

its already september means,

my birthday around the corner

i think im going to take a day break on that day

just to go shopping by myself

wait,what day will it be?

it'll be sunday!!

hm..wanna go shoppping with risk but he's too far away

and it'll be wasting soo much money

my part-time job cant have it

as im paying my own petrol now..lol

o yeah..

in a short summary

well,maybe not really short

i already finish my practical,

now working part time as a research assistant

with $800 a month

not so bad eh??

i've been working for 3 months if this month end

and else,what have i been doing?

let see..

im into reading soo much

well,to be honest,

some harry potter fanfics

i convert it to ebooks and cant be part with my hp

somewhere in early past 3 months,

i broke with my bf

i-broke-up-with-him..

again if u may add

im not going to regret it though 

it'll be a lie if i said im not sad,

im nearly going crazy though im the one who want to break up

my friends support me of course

as my close family know nothing bout this

im going to be married to whoever he is

so i might end it soon i thought

to be honest,i never want to get marry

it just seems impossible for me

but i do want to have babies or a baby 

i told my friends that im going to get marry 

when i got myself a baby

my mum said no to adoption

she's no fun

enough of that..

what else,o ya,

that ex of mine

i met him during eid

i near to tears again once i saw him

fortunately,that time i was sitting with risk in car

and he always so jelous with my ex

he told me something about that jelousy

that kept me on track

not going to say anything much there,

i already confess everything to shana,

my 2years worth roomate

so nothing on it sorry

btw,you know why i start this again?

i accidently a-c-c-i-d-e-n-t-l-y delete my diary

so s-t-u-p-i-d of me

God gracious

so here i am,

keeping you here so i wont forgot

i tend to forget

u know me well

oh and..

im going to post my twitter status here

just to update things

some questions:

1) should i share the bills as i already got a part-time job?

2) what should i do to make myself worth at home?

3) what should i do to become a woman? i mean,im not a girl anymore that i finish my study

4)  should i continue my study or find a job?

5) should i change my room?

6) im really scared sometimes, of everything.. not of death of course, and that is the problem.. i dont feel afraid of death, means, i dont feel like sad of leaving this world.. my family, friends.. everything or everyone will still move on even im not here right.. i kind of didnt have oblingation to live.. we will always be alive if it is something in us that still want to live in this world.. then what should i do to keep myself want to live? i tend to cut more.. life is not that hard, it just.. it feels empty.. i think i need to purify myself isnt it? i need to be closer to God and my spiritual energy seems weaker.. sometimes i just dont know myself.. but i need to be alive for my family so im ok around them but when im on my own, i just dont know myself.. i heard once that suicide is not a sin but dont worry, im not going to let my family heart broken.. not yet.. though i dont know how long will it last.. everyday i only thought that my line is nearer.. but thay say bad guy live long so maybe i still have a long way before me.. well, its God to decide

ps: cool,has been long since im this dark..thanks though..im bit ok now though not light =P