confess to jessen??

last night I went to dinner with jessen

he asked me after class yesterday morning

as its been long since we had dinner together

but I avoid him,

saying I’ll look at my schedule first +_+

at 3.30pm,I had counseling (again!!)

the counselor,mr zul want to know about my development

kind of report back I guess

he ask everything..

ask if I'm doing ok and happy with my life right now

I told him about dad, mum, risk

how I'm doing with family ,friends, coursemates, study, hafiz and jessen

he told me that hafiz feeling is not important but what important is mine

I was like..did this guy heard me right?? I already confess..duh

so now what?? Now I need to pursue hafiz??

I don’t think so..no hell way..

I'm not going to force hafiz if that what he suggest..

but I'm tired with my own feeling

I'm tired of waiting

and the thing with jessen,

I think he likes me with the hints he gave

but I'm not sure myself

mr zul told me that maybe I should ignore jessen

as a boy isn’t the same with a girl

he will get over it in some time

and I was thinking for myself..

isn’t it the same with hafiz..

maybe hafiz already bored with me

and I'm just a fling or something……..

@_@

which remind me..

I haven’t post his present yet

will he accept it??he said he didn’t want it before..

it’s hurt that I nearly smash that thing..haha XD

but till now I didn’t have any confident to give it to him =P

then after the meeting I went shopping again..

just to unwind myself

for how many times it is this month I went shopping,

I don’t really count

but I didn’t go to the town,only nearby area

a nearby mini mall

I was thinking and thought that maybe tonight is the right time

for me to confirm jessen’s feeling to me

I call him afterward and ask him if he already had a date for that night

I actually kind of wish for him to have another date so that I don’t feel so guilty..

I'm a meanie right??

as he said he didn’t have a date, I ask him for a dinner or rather

agree to the dinner he had invited me to

as I don’t want anyone we know disturb us and I want some privacy to talk with him

we went a bit far from hostel to have our dinner

actually he was kind of suspicious as I never want to eat far from hostel before

but I said nothing and we promised to meet that night

he came to my hostel and we went there with my car

I'm driving of course.. he didn’t have the license XP

last night was the first time he rode with me

we order our dinner and we just talk normally

general topic.. study, friend..

I don’t want to bring the big issue just yet..

then after both of us has finished our dinner,

I start to feel nervous..

I didn’t know how to begin so I drank a glass of plain water to calm myself

as I forgot my phone, I borrow his hp and typed,

“ko tau xbf aq hafiz..”

and I stop there, didn’t know how to continue

so I asked him to continue instead..

he said he won’t know if I didn’t tell him..

I left a sigh =_=

I told him to just read my mind

what a stupid idea..of course he can’t

cause if he can,it won’t be so hard for me

then I took his hp again and typed

“ko suke aq ke??”

he then sigh.. (sigh war!! XP)

and ask me “where does this idea come from??”

he made a lonely expression..

arg!! I really don’t want to continue from there

but as I already make up my mind..

“here and there..”

as while we were chatting before,

I said jokingly that I went to counseling because of him

so he ask me whether that’s the truth..

I said no!! it’s  because  something else

he gave me a weird look

“ok,maybe there’s a bit bout you,but that’s not the main point..”

and I confess to him that I cried few times because of hafiz last year

which rarely happen since me and hafiz broke up..

which come ages ago.. (kind of)

then I ask jessen to give me the answer for my question

actually, I really don’t want to know but this thing need to be solve

jessen asked me if I'm feeling uneasy around him and maybe he should avoid himself from me

but he also miss to have the dinner with me that we haven’t did in few time

(as I always reject him with tons of excuse for sometimes now if it’s only 2 of us)

each time jessen asked me for a dinner, dira would be very glad and always told me that it’s just a “friend dinner”

I know by heart that it’s only just a normal dinner between friend but I don’t want to give him any weird idea if I agree each time

I don’t really mind myself but what if there’s a girl who like him, she’ll be heartbroken right??

I told jessen that I do like him but I can’t like him more than a friend

as I still like hafiz and I don’t want to give jessen a fake hope

I told him that maybe it’s better for him to like someone else

I just don’t want our relationship to be broken some stupid reason

I said sorry that I refuse dinner few times before

on the way home,we just talk normally

I was kind of grateful actually or else it would feel so awkward and I don’t want that

I'm being selfish again +_+

after I park my car..

wrong timing!!

few representative from nearly every course of different batch from our faculty are at the parking lot

it’s like nearly every class from our faculty know I went out for dinner outside of campus

Ouchie!! not after what I’ve told jessen T_T

normally I don’t really mind,but that night it’s a bit cold if there’s rumor

though they’re not the kind of spreading fake rumors

as they already saw me,I went to greet them

jessen walked pass me, greet one of them who walked toward him and went to his bike

usually he would say good bye or text me first but none..

as jessen left me there, I chit chatting with them a bit

I talked with a girl there, ila, kind of good friend of mine till 12

then we bid each other good night

while I was talking idly with ila,

she greet nearly everyone who pass us

which means, there were a lot of students from our faculty roaming around that night =)

today, when I told mizuki, elli, dira

what had happen last night between me and jessen,

they were kind of shock =O

mizuki and dira feel pity for jessen

and mizuki told me that I'm being mean -_-"

I'm glad that elli and dira agree with me that

it is better to say no rather than not saying anything

and as jessen is my friend,I don’t want to lie to him or fling with him

as his friendship is very meaningful to me

being reject is hurt,I know it

but being kept in a dark is more painful

after your being reject,u can cry as much as u want

and then go on with your life..

yes,your life haven’t end just yet..

it just and obstacle on achieving something better

bushes and thorns to be cleared before saving the sleeping beauty =0

to go to the next level

but to be kept in  dark in a dark,

know nothing of the other feeling

sometimes make me wish that I'm a robot

with no heart and feeling

and can be switch off anytime

also can get my memory altered!! cool =D

very stupid indeed XD

after I clash with hafiz,

though I'm the one who ask for it

I cried nearly every night before I went to bed

and whenever I'm being alone

that’s when I start to hate being alone T_T

I went to dinner with anyone who asked me

whether we’re good or just know each other,

be it 2 person or more..

went drinking (not alcohol) nearly every night,

forcing my friends to accompany me or drinking alone

so that when I'm in my room I'm too tired even to think

shopping or window shopping alone every week

just to see people

until months later I thought that life has to go on

and then I'm only focusing on study with no life..

I keep myself alone,in my own world +_+

but I received the dean award that time mind you XD

to be honest I only went dinner and drinking in front of the hostel

Never really wander far..

Too lazy =P

Only on the weekend I went to the city for shopping

Every week!! XD

Ps: I'm thinking of writing my diary on a scroll..it would be lovely to be this long XD

Ps2: can i really remember if i read my blog later on??im scared of the memory loss..though there are some painful memory but i want to remember it all..

i love music..dum da dum =)