Adele

today i want to introduce you to adele for those who didnt know
her first song that i listen to is rolling in the deep
i was *speechless* for the first time
her voice was WOW
but taylor swift still my most favorite though
love ya taylor!!! xx

when i saw this clip, i was thinking that she would "kaboom" all the the glasses to shards but i was really dissapointed..LOL..oh and she remind me of that fat lady painting at gryfindoor tower. you know, where the fat lady try to broke the glass with her voice but failed amusingly and i thought adele could probably do it right. *grin*


"Rolling In The Deep"

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, and it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare
See how I'll leave with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch
And it's bringing me out the dark

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

Baby, I have no story to be told
But I've heard one of you
And I'm gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there
As mine sure won't be shared

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hand
But you played it with a beating

Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in time and reap just what you sow

(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
We could have had it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
It all, it all, it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

You could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)

But you played it
You played it
You played it
You played it to the beat. 




and this song, the first time i heard it i was like
what? slow song, really not my type. 
then... 
wow. her voice really is something
i hope you enjoy it as much as i do =)

"Someone Like You"

I heard that you settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,"
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead." 

My Wish

(belated birthday to myself)

this is a birthday song requested from michi to me

and i forgot all about it until just now

and i listen to the song

and look at the lyric

its a nice song really.

so here's a Rascal Flatts song for you.

enjoy~

My Wish by Rascal Flatts
Songwriters: Steele, Jeffrey; Robson, Steve;

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you're faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you

And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin' til you find the window
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish

I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you and the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get

Oh, you'd find God's grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish, yeah yeah

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish
(My wish for you)

This is my wish
(My wish for you)
I hope you know somebody loves you
(My wish for you)
May all your dreams stay big
(My wish for you)

im really touch when i heard this song
some of taylor swift song may bring tears to my eyes
and this song might to.

i never heard of this song before actually and today is the first time
i got to listen it 
and as i just love country music,
i would love to check Rascal Flatts out 

"Oh, you'd find God's grace in every mistake" =)

Toujours Pur

Toujours Pur: Which Member of the Black Family Are You (Harry Potter)

 

Your Result

Regulus Black: You are the obedient Black. The most obedient of the Black children, you strive excessively to live up to your parents' high standards. You are loyal to your family, as you have been taught, but when the family starts splitting your loyalties are torn brother-parent-- though since you are the favorite son, you keep doing what you have been doing. You are morally weak, never quite positive in what your conscience is telling you. This kills you, because the world you live in demands you have strong convictions one way or the other. Trying to please everyone simply isn't going to work.

My Wand

Your result for The Harry Potter Wand Test ...

9", Willow, Dragon

You scored 16 wisdom, 56 bravery, 26 emotional, and 17 martyrdom!

A willow wand signifies that you care deeply about emotions, art, and intuition, and that you have a particular knack for charms. Your dragon's heartstring core makes your wand very effective in hexes.

Your Analysis (Vertical line = Average)

• 
  
  You scored 16% on wisdom, higher than 1% of your peers.
• 
  
  You scored 56% on bravery, higher than 98% of your peers.
• 
  
  You scored 26% on emotional, higher than 66% of your peers.
• 
  
  You scored 17% on martyrdom, higher than 27% of your peers.
  
  
  
  
  

THe GRaduation DAy

(which took place not less than 2 weeks ago..LOL XD)

hello..

didnt i tell u i have an account in live journal?

so why am i still here?

well,this is a plcae for posting my opinion of certain days

so that i dont forget 

and also a place where to express my feeling without really getting caught in embarrassment

and a place where i bicker with myself without getting annoy 

that someone will call me crazy..

yep,that just sound about right.

then..

about this Graduation Day.

we will start about a few days or maybe more days behind..

went to hks to duplicate keys

(the keys has been with me nearly 3 weeks and i kept forgetting >_<)

then found nobita there

we chat 4 a while..

notice here, nobita is a she and we rarely spoke

and it occur me

"em,ko tau pape ttg convo x?"

i was so shock to learn that 

that is the last day to submit my letter to get my cert laminated

not that it is a must to laminate your cert

and they ask for aditional money

but it is less trouble if we just give them the letter and make them do it

just to make sure the cert is better with

i bid nobita good bye and went to duplicate my keys

which cost me nearly rm30

man,and thanks God i have that much money in my pocket that time

i never know it will be that much

(i actually just got back from shopping when i went there n of course i ripe off myself =P)

then i hurried home,

finish the letter and hurried back to campus 

which is a bit far as it is near to hks

u can say i waste nearly (or maybe more than) an hour only driving

go and back from hks

when i got to the campus

i was barely on time

(but still on time mind u..LOL XD)

and to my disappoint the guy at the counter told me

"today's last day? tak perasan pulak"

urg..i was running (well,not really running) like hell

and he didnt really know that the letter need to be submit that day!

means to say,it only on the paper,you can submit it whenever u want a week before graduation

and i miss that

they really have hidden message somewhere and i was trick!

oh well..at least i can relax that its over for that part

on 29 sept 

(woah..my birthday on 18 sept!! oh well T_T)

i was calling my friends here and there to know their current location as we have rehearsal the next day

found out that jessen was on interview (waiting for interview)

i was like "omg..u have interview today??"

before the very convocation

how cool is that?

(i have a tendency to not remember myself already have a job =P)

went lunch with paskal and shana..

and oh,i meet zain

not really, he found me,

at my usual place, the LIBRARY!! \(^o^)/

(the closeness of me and the library x)

that night,me and mum pick up sis dira from airport

and she stayed at our house in my sis bedroom

(well,have u see my bedroom,how small it is?? >_<)

 sis not home and that room is usually use as a guest room

30 sept

already told mizuki to call my house when she arrive

dear me, i wouldn't even woke up if she call my cell

and i did off my phone when i'm going to sleep

i schedule it to be off =P

went to pick up mizuki..

didnt bother to wake up dira as she must be tired

and it was very early!

(maybe not really early..it's already dawn..DAWN!!)

dira got a roomate

(i especially told her,she will expect to get a roommate that day =))

breakfast 

(mizuki was force by grandma =P)

getting ready and went to campus

omg..i remember how heavy the traffic was that day

a journey that should only take 30min was nearly an hour

the got flight for hajj

oh,my nearly everyday road to campus is using the very same way to the airport

the rehearsal was a laughing

its not really a rehearsal according to mum (later at home)

but im too nervous to laugh or even thinking at that time

i was trying my best to remember everything when zain sms said he wanna meet me at the back

i was like can-you-find-some-other-time-please

then i left bell (with her omg ipad), dira and mizuki went to meet zain

i dont remember what help he need me

talk bout our friend, waheeda whom has her birthday that day

talk bout ley, my dear fake cousin at practical

and i was like relief-he-was-over-and-gone so i can focus on the rehearsal

but not even minutes later,he came back

waheeda call him that morning but he didnt pick up the phone as he was sleeping

and when he try to call her back that very time he just left me

she reject him

and later he got that msg "dont call!" and not later "dont msg!" LOL XD

after that rehearsal-that-not-really-rehearsal-more-like-a-mini-class

we need to pay for graduation photo

and such bu the line is so very long thus i told my friends g2p
and went back to the hall and get into the line for rehearsal

the line was not compulsory thus not many people in line
(and it include my friends here..but im too nervous without a rehearsal) 

my rehearsal was not very much to my liking

i was shaking and clumsy and the staff got nervous because of me

they told me to relax and take a deep breath
went to the wc as i told them so

back to the boring line and we meet others (my classmates)

ley told me that he was otw to campus

i was like omg 

but oh well,he already graduate once so maybe it isnt a big deal for him

meet shana, and ordering for flowers and such
as dira and mizuki want for their robes

meet them there and separated again

1 oct

i was so nervous that i dont think i sleep well that night

that morning i post it in fb that i'll be graduate that day

actually i want to call them or msg everyone 

but i found that would be disturbing for me 

as i'll be more nervous..

then with a greater effort i send hafiz a msg via fb

yeah,kinna stupid i know

but what shock me most is he call me not long after that

it was unexpected!

i expect him to read that msg maybe later that day if not the days after

and he would congrate me there if not ignore it

thus i was like omg-omg-omg XD

i was having my breakfast at that time and my cell was in front of the com

with my bro was about to picking up the phone

i mean..yeah, i already change his name which is a very thanks God

or else i wouldn't know how to explain it

well,he didnt say anything much,just congrate me

and said he got co something
well,first year..

though i dont know if it was real or not

but i was flying later XD

my first graduation present =)

we went to campus at noon 

and bought mizuki some keropok for her family

it was so busy

and we were really thankful that our session was at noon

family didnt get sorted so the have much time

but we as in me,mizuki and dira need to be sorted first

thus we need to be not less than hour earlier

i hurriedly to the expo to pay the flowers

and hurriedly to outside the hall and try to find others

it was freaking hot and apart from ourself

everyone is no where to be found until later

sorted, took pictures and pictures and catching up

and there my dear cousin!

with his fiance..

as his fiance went to find her gang,

we catching up with each other

he got a part time job with his fiance (figures XD)

then there she was, elli

astonishingly late as always
she said its too hot to be early under the sun

that's her alright..

and im so glad she haven't change

its not everyday you got an interesting friend like elli

(love you yuki! xx)

then enter the hall

i dont even know where my family were at that time >_<

smile so big that the nervous hit me..

please not nausea i prayed XD 

my little bro, corry told me that he saw me siling so very widely at the cam but i dont even notice it

my time on the telly and i dont notice!

well,i must be genuine then =D

the talks and such

and before long our ceremony that i waiting so-not-very-long or i thought so

but actually hours after we enter the hall.. 

the photography staff told us this and that and i try to remember it all to get the best picture

this is my grand day, of course i want to look my best

but then it happen..

(im still smiling broadly here at this time with my stomach doing the flip flop ^///^)

the dean greet me

well he knows me of course im so very popular with something i dont want to remember

and we talk in a hush voice until it was my turn

and i forgot everything (except still smiling broadly!! 0_o)

i was very happy and relieve at that moment when i got my degree

i dont even remember to look at the camera

dont even realize they waving or something 

(and yes still smiling)

but thanks god i still remember how to thanks

and walking down the aisle (aisle??)

i was proud and relief and everything

all my 3 years sweat and tears and laugh.. =)

and when its end,we (as in my class) got a few pic

we actually asked the uni photographer if he can took our pic

as we were so bold,

yes!!

weet2 \(^o^)/ so very happy

then it start going bad

we should be together to get class pictures by our very own photographer, mr yuz

he's a staff actually but we (as in my class) get together so well since our first year

(and sometimes it as if we were in the same class =))

but some are missing and we got tired of waiting and hungry and hot and sweating and its drizzling

then i call shana using jessen cell and ask where she was

and she's at hostel that is far by foot

and she got all my flowers with her

and i dont have my phone with me as they (as in staff) told us not to bring the cell

as i was so irritates

and i walk as fast as i could to hostel after told my friends so

got so much irritates again as shana told me that she paid the florist again

then thanks her for the trouble

as she did picked up all the flower and paid it all

as she dont know i already paid it (though i make a note to the florist to tell her i already paid!)

and its not her fault its raining

its all fate

and i ran to the hall and then its start raining

i was looking for mum at the stage as we promise to meet there (and i was waiting in the rain)

and i got tired and i look like crazy and its my convocation day for God sake!!

i got so depress and i went looking for dira and mizuki

found mizuki

oh god,it was horrible,the rain was like cat and dog

and i feel like i was being trick and hell

everything seems very3 horrible and depressing

but i dont want to let myself down

its my day!

found my family at the library's cafe

wait for the rain to slow down with mizuki and her friends

gave mizuki her flower

bla bla bla

its HORRIBLE!!

then the rain start to slow down

i feel like the world was laughing at me

i told myself that i dont hold anything against mother earth and its all fate and everything

my cell ran out of credit

i got more missed call than i remember

from my juniors and all

geh!! its disturbing!!

went to the library as ley call me and ask where the hall i am

went there, found dira and mr yc and jy

took some pics, congrats everyone

and went to the hall to find ley but he's not there

call him using haqim's phone

he's bout to leave

"no!! bring your a** here right now!!" 

i didnt say it actually,it was my head screaming -_-|||

he was with her fiance family actually

i feel like crying then i told him i want to meet him if this was the last time we saw each other and i got his flower with me

i dont now what he told his fiance but he was there later

i gave him his flower

i seriously feel like crying then

as i know, after that day, we wont see each other and we will really be adults

no more playing and such

next thing i know, zain was there and i gave him his flower

(yeah, i got the money so i can giive whoever i want!)

actually the flower is for mr wong (or miss wong but she didnt attend)

but mr yc told me that he already went home

(i want to give the flower to both mr yc and miss choo (jy) but i only had 2 in my hand at that time and 1 of them is for ley so i didnt gave them any..i still feel sad T_T)

dira,zain,ley and me took pics

as we were at together at the practical

and i miss my two other friends, waheeda and atiqah at that time

as we 6 is always in group

(a big group to move together, yes =))

took someother pics with others and ley told he cant be long

we bid each other farewell and good luck..

(miss him already..i never get this close to a guy in this short time before..well,the fact that i thought of him as my cousin did help us getting close >_<)

topa took our family graduation picture

took some other pics and we off home

topup my cell that night and apology my junior as i cant call them back

she said sorry too and told me to take my flower from someone

she said sorry as she couldnt give it to me earlier..

she really understand my feeling

i only got a flower from shana for the graduation

my mum said sorry that she didnt get me anything

i said its ok

(as i know she ALWAYS give me money later for compensation >_<")

2 oct

the flower was huge!!

with a little bear in between

i really love it!!

send dira to the airport

then went to hostel and had breakfast with mizuki

then send her to bus terminal

then meet jessen

gave him flower, congrats each other and took some pics

went shopping by myself at the convo stall

with the money that i ALWAYS know my mum would give me (compensation money)

and of course i waste it all for more dresses

went to hostel again,

talking to shana and such

that night got family photo at home

3 oct

returning everyone's (me,dira,mizuki and jessen) robe and took their degree cert

grab the graduation pics

~fin~

ps: so much for a graduation day..but my junior,dayah really make my graduation day a bliss with her flower. i love her more and more XOX

ps2: already post their degree and photo's now 

28 Sept

hello  ===<@

i still stuck as RA as in research assistant in my college

actually i need to make it from the beginning

yesterday we got a meeting

and you know how he put it

~flashback~

DR: how long have you said you start this?

ME: after my practical which on..July..and then..as i told you after eid that..

DR: *cut me* 2 months? how many time has been waste, do u notice?

ME: *suppress urge to straggle him* im sorry

ME: (in my mind: havent we talk about this before?? and do yo know how many people said that i should never do it on my own that i need guidance that this is practically as if my own paper??)

~end flashback~

i dont hate him,honest

in fact i love him

not love love but love..

u know..

as in i love you mum, i love u little brother that kind of love

actually though some people talk bad bout him,

i dislike them for talking like that

i respect him as a teacher and such

but that's why i got bullied said a friend of mine..

btw,that's remind me..

omg,im sooo telling u this

ok,read me..

u know..

i kind of got myself a cousin

how cool is that?

omg..

and u know how does it happen?

and oh yeah, its a "he"

well, the story should be begin like this

its during my practical at that marine park

it was me with dira and zain and ley

and its him,ley!!

i dont really realize the sequence or the consequence 

but something like this happen

i already tell myself that im going to bring myself as a "lady" there

so i act like one of course

i LOVE acting

well,as i always am a good actor so i live as a real actor

feeling like a lady and such

then i dont really remember what happen 

but i have a feeling that this ley guy remember me of someone

he remembered me of my dear cousin..or rather cousins actually

and why is that?

well,im not really sure how to put this in words

what im going to say is

i have few older boy cousin that i look up at them when im in trouble

or they just being a real big brother as they can around me if that is easier to understand

and i thought of ley act as one

i cant treat him as a friend

i mean, i dont see him as a friend anymore after few weeks hang out together

we, as in me, dira, zain and ley really hang out a lot mind u

and in the beginning the staff thought us as double couple

as me with ley and dira with zain

that is long before i have this cousin feeling though

and the reason is,

this ley guy,

actually jokingly suggest us to married them as they want to share house with us

they dont have a place to stay there

and of course,we're not going to share with them 

that's how the marriage thing come out and it did make a ruckus as the staff start gossipping

during that practical, ley had been nice to us 

but practically zain is stuck with dira 

actually he's just being himself but i dont know..

so i thought ley was being a thoughtful person

and one day i told him

"u know ley, i think of you as my cousin"

they made a weird face and laugh of course

i told him im serious and i want to adopt him as my cousin

he refuse flatly

cool

well, if he accept, i'll be the one who'll call him weird

he saved me 2x as i got sexual harassment 

as he save me that first time,

we are not really that close,

just friend and as i thank him, 

he had this weird face as saying why-are-you-making-such-a-big-deal-its-nothing

but as time pass by, we four are kind of best-buddy or maybe not really best but u get the idea

then he start talking with me

and we become close and our acquaintance there some of them believe we are real cousin

actually zain and dira bought it too

i dont really know how dira bought that story, she is my bestfriend for three years

but i dont feel like explaining so im still not

there, thats the story of how i got myself a cousin..LOL

like i dont have enough cousin of myself..uh oh.. =_="

and the best thing is,

the reason i can be that close with ley 

though we practically never talk in campus 

is

i already know he had a fiance and he's really not my type

he's too skinny to my liking!!

and he hate fat people..

there, we dont suit each other..

*i think jessen has asked me before if i want to rent a house with him and few others if i got to sabah.. God forbid and im not.. thats really one awkward moment to reply him though.. i told him its not going to work out and i dontjessen but i dont believe in teenage hormone and i do believe in God.*

ps: whenever ley ask for my help or whenever i thanks him for helping me, he would say this "arent we cousin?" or "well,we're cousin" he's cute..LOL

ps2: i found this livejournal and im writing there as my everyday well nearly everyday..and it can post my twitter which where i really being myself so i love it there and i dont write this long there..only gist of my everyday and retweet post so its really is lighter and less headache for you to read =P

If that’s alright with you

If that’s alright with you

By Tom Felton

If that’s alright with you (I’ll be on my way)…

If that’s alright with you,
I’ll pack my bags and be on my way.
And still if that’s not alright with you -
speak now ‘cause I’m on my way round
To spend the night with you,
Hold you in my arms like you was a guitar.
And by now you’re guessing I’m liking you.
So fine and I want you to be mine.

So while I’m in this state of mind there’s no time like the present.
Pick you up to sing you little songs under a half crescent.
Be so very pleasant -
Only you and myself.
The only problem is I’m here
And you appear just to be somewhere else.

That’s just the way it is.
I’ve done my best yet still I’m stressed.
Oh no I’m sick of the way it is.
And what to do I simply haven’t got two clues.

Because I’ve been searching for a person of a kind,
But the only thing I’ve found is she’s pretty hard to find.
Starry shine from the sky at night like its my final sign.
I wish that you were with me but I guess that I’ll get by alright.

‘Cause that’s when I woke up you’re not lying there.
For that’s when I woke up and realized how much I simply care…
And How much I simply care…

If that’s alright with you -
I’ll pack my bags and be on my way.
And still if that’s not alright with you speak now ‘cause I’m on my way round
To spend the night with you,
Hold you in my arms like you was a guitar.
And by now you’re guessing I’m liking you.
You’re so fine and I want you to be mine.

Wherever she is and whatever she’s doing,
She’s probably got a hundred thousand people already queuing,
And on top of it my brain and body haven’t seemed to got a grip,
every time I try to ring you up I seem to bottle it.
What a d***!
What to say to you? Forgotten it.
Supposed to be so confident and cool – I’m quite the opposite.
Listen, yeah, being by myself already sick of that.
Kiss your lips – hit me for six, just like a cricket bat.
Smack, gone, going, what’s happened is not knowing -
Wont stop flowing ‘till I’ve filled up my little cup of thought.
Looking for a little lady to love and not the other sort.
I love the thought of you and I living like its do or die.
I’m here for you my girl you as long as I’m blue in eye
There’ll be a cloudless sky when I see the sight of you.
I kiss you on the lips, but only if that’s alright with you.
(But only if that’s alright with you.)

If that’s alright with you
I’ll pack my bags and be on my way.
And still if that’s not alright with you,
Speak now ‘cause I’m on my way round
To spend the night with you,
Hold you in my arms like you was a guitar.
And by now you’re guessing I’m liking you.
You’re so fine and I want you to be mine.
I want you to be mine…

Kagamine Len & Rin *squeak*

ps: this song a bit *blush* for me actually..i rarely listen to song with this type of lyric but its from Tom, so yeah =P

ps2: For those didnt know, draco malfoy can sing!! take that!! LOL 

ps3: im so pissed off yesterday that i cant buy tom music..your account can only buy music from Malaysia..geh.. >_<

14 09 2011

4 more days before my birthday and i'll be 23..duh

risk at home, i told you already right

he didnt talk to me

and im not talking to him

its awkward

damn and he was so cute when he was little 

and when he's there

i dont talk to mum either

double awkward

so me only talking to gran

found few job vacancy

kindergarden teacher

but its far from home

and gran said she want me near to her

its been 2 times i reject a work proposal

man,cant i get married yet

told mum bout that sometime ago

but she said no

God, and it was her who complain so much and

want me to marry who-ever-it-is-i-dont-know

honestly, i dont really wanna get marry, you know

i mean, i only want to have a baby boy

and go on with my life

and it wont be a prob either if i cant get a baby

i can adopt

but mum dont like the idea

she still want me to get marry

boy suck

and i dont think anyone would marry me

hell, im emo, immature, insecure and everything

though i have a nice face if i may add ^o^

but that's it

all the boy who come close to me

only because they think im cute

other than that im nothing

oh, i have money btw x_x

see..

there's no way im gonna marry a boy

who only after my look and family money

i just wanna adopt some children and go on with it

babies are wonderful gift

i found a fanfic yesterday about babies

that author put so much thought in it

and i remeber myself from 16 when i read that

i start wanna adopt when i was 16 mind you

but there's no way my family would allow it

well,what am i gonna fed them?

i dont have that much money 

and im living with family money at that time

now that im nearly 23

i got me own job

(though not a permenent one, still go job hunting =P)

i got my dad car

me own transport that is

i think i can carry myself well

ya, after a few years that is

my aim is when i was 25

oh God, i cant wait to have my baby ^_^

ps: i LOVE to read an i LOVE anime..just thought to say that =P

aren't they the cutest? darn, they're too cute when they were small alright =P

sweet dream my baby..mama <3 u  ^3^

13 Sept

Hello

Few days ago,

My sis went back to her college,

Well, we shake hand of coz

But no hugging or kisses.

Since she was home,

Most of the time she talked to me,

More like talking TO my back,

Only brought tears to my eyes

Only harsh words came out of her mouth

Made me feel like she detest me to the core

Made me wanna die more sooner than ever

What a great sis she is

Liar

She said she love me

Just a few days before she went home

She said she’s happy I'm her big sis

Liar

What an actor

I would gladly hand over her the award

Though I do consider myself a good actor

I, me, never ever do something as cold as her

If my memories serve me right that is.

She, stab my heart over and over again

Only after she told me that she love me

Only after she said she care for me

Only after she said she was glad I'm her sis

What a joke

Is God playing a prank on me?

I always ask myself that

But then, hey, we’re mortal

God can do anything He like

No, don’t take me wrong here

I DO believe in God

And I do believe, He care enough for me to make me undergo everything

Though I'm not a pious

I believe and always believe He is here

And everything I go through is yet another test He gave me

How I'm glad my parents made me into a believer

If I'm not, I don’t think I ever alive in this damn world

I can’t count how many times had it been for me to be dying 

But yet I'm still breathing

Only because I believe in Him

But you know, I think my time will over soon than I expect

Know why?

I am a person who found it hard to forgive myself

And if I'm the reason someone acting weird

It make me can’t forgive more

I’ll kick, punch and cut myself

But recently

Something happen

I really want someone to die

And that person didn't really do any harm to me

Bit with him die, I’ll be free

Or it is what I thought

I don’t know what has come to me

Am I finally snapped it?

No!

I don’t want to snap

I want to be normal even if I need to pretend for the rest of my life

I am a good actor

Though not as good as my sick sis

She’s cold

Really cold

Oh and it’s not her that I want dead

Another person

Another person who’s life not really connect with me

Another person who if even dead, I won’t know if I didn't ask how well he is

Yep, a stranger out of closet

See, I told you I'm gonna die soon

I want a mere stranger to be dead so that I don’t have to think about him

Or doing my job

Recently I can’t think of him as a father figure anymore

I'm going crazy aren’t I?

I thought what will happen to his kids, wife

But I don’t even really care

I'm mean

I'm crazy

My shadow is overwhelming

I can’t lose myself

Hang in there self!!

Enough of that dark shadow of mine,

Let’s look at me

You know what,

I'm really happy at home nowadays

Not really nowadays but I don’t know since when

But there are times at home that make me really feel belong

Seriously I thought I was pretending to be ok, I'm fine, or whatever

But it might means something else

Ok, I use to be left alone at home since I was young

No big deals

(It did feels really lonely sometimes though to be honest)

But hey, what I'm going to tell you is

My grandma

You know,

I had live with gran when I was baby until mum decide she want to take me back

And gran really really love me

I was immature arrogant prat before that I didn't realize it

Well, you can say I was soo much into my act that I'm emotionless

A doll

I'm being kind and all

But rarely come to heart

I hate it

I don’t know

I thought if I open my heart

It will be stomp upon

Like what my sis did to me,

Well, that  another story and I want to forget it this moment

What I wanna say is

I really enjoy it

To be at the kitchen

And talk to my gran

My heart it feels light

And I feel at peace

Like I was in my room and hugging kuma but I'm not

Instead I'm just sit there,

Mostly listen to her rambling

Act that I'm really hungry

Demand some so that she can give it to me

I'm stupid aren’t I?

But I'm feel so happy when I said I wanna eat something when she ask

Though I'm not really hungry

It feels warm and nice

A very nice feeling you know

My gran is old

I don’t know how much long does she has

But I don’t wanna die before her

I wanna make her happy if that the least I can do

I really love her

I just notice recently that I can love

I can love without want it back

I think love is gratitude

I mean, I love my ex, still

But I want him to love me back and when he can’t give me that

I can’t love him more

Family love is something else

It makes you feel warm and secure

Though that other person rarely tell you that they love you,

You just know it

I always feel insecure

Risk said I cant forgive myself when dad left

I deny it,

I mean,

I don’t blame myself right?

Or was it happen at the back of my mind that I don’t realize it

I don’t know

But what I know is

Gran make me feel safe and secure

It’s warm and lovely feeling

Like I'm a good guy, well, I am right? =P

I really love gran

And she is the reason I don’t want to die yet

God bless her.

When I'm typing this and thinking of my gran,

I'm smiling =)

And my granma at dad side

Is not very well

When I look at him

I only think of when will God take her to Him

I don’t want to see her suffer

But I'm in no place to say anything

Her children and grandchildren may want her longer

In fact

I'm not really her granddaughter

But dad told me to love her the same

So I did my best

When I think about it

I am kind, but not really kind hearted

It’s more like I program myself to be kind

That’s what my mum always told me to be

And that will make my dad happy too

So I program myself to be kind

I'm such an actor aren’t I?

That’s why I never believe in love

Mum, dad, they’re together because of responsibility

Parents’ duty is to take care of their children

It is duty, not really love is what I think

I pity myself

No wonder I always feels alone

That’s another reason I broke up with my ex >_<

I think I'm not being honest with him

I want to figure my own feeling and I don’t want him to waste time with me

I actually really wanna tell my mum that when we were having a fight months ago

Reason: guess who start first?

My sis!! 100 points to who got it right

Sometimes I think God create her to make myself miserable x_x

It been very long since me and my mum had a fight

She’s home for a day and my life become upside down

Most of the time when mum shout at me whatever she said

I just keep quite

I promise risk I wont get into any more trouble

And I don’t

The trouble find me, says harry potter

Mum said I hold to many secret to myself

And she hate it

I cant believe it

When was she when I wanna talk?

Was she even listening when I'm start talking?

Whose fault is that that I'm start talking alone?

I talk I do talk I tell you

It was gran!

Gran was listening when I'm talking

She always listen though she don’t really get it

I'm sorry mum

But this one thing I cant tell you

I cant tell you that I love gran more than you

I'm sorry dad

I just cant do it

I did try my best

But I just couldn’t dad

Why cant I?

Why is it so easy for them but not me?

I'm her daughter too, aren’t I dad? T_T

God, wow!  ^o^

Its been long since I wanna tell that

Wow, I feel relive a bit

Well, don’t bottle up everything in yourself

U might burst

And you need a good cry once a while

Share it, u will feel better.

I am now

Well, though I'm not really telling a human

Write it down or in this case, type it down is ok too.. LOL XD

I read a fanfic, bout this person,

She cut to relieve her stress,

But she was worse,

Abuse and everything

She feels insecure with her boyfriend

And sometime cant believe her boyfriend word

She had a really scary childhood

That makes her trust no one

But one day, she was bleeding too much that she was going to die

 And that when she start to have therapy and such

And in that story,

She wrote in a diary and every time she wanna cut or wanna die

She would put X X X X X X X X X

Until she feel satisfied

She took a long time before she really believe in her boyfriend

And new guardian

But she did it

And I will too.

I’ll be happy dad,

Don’t worry =)

Ps: Too long sara, way too long. Oh well, I'm just talking to myself anyway. C ya self!

Ps2: oh n btw, risk home. He arrive 4 in the morning, gran told me.